Wednesday, May 31, 2006


Forgive me Father for I have sinned.

I have done something I swore myself I would never do. The biggest problem is, I don't regret it.

Is there something wrong with me or am I simply damned?


I'm not the kind of girl that lives con compliments. In fact, when I recieve one I usually think that person is going to ask for something.

Today was a good day, complimentwise. In the morning, Carlos saw me and say "Hey skinny". I've dropped around 25 pounds, but I guess he hadn't paid much attention to it. It was a good way to start the morning.

A bit before noon, I was talking to Mike. We were talking about the love of my life and stuff and h esuddenly scanned me and simply said "You look good". It's flattering when a gay man awknowledges the effort and sacrifice.

In the late afternoon, I was at my constant flirting with a friend and when I asked if I looked good, he said yes. With my ego very well fed, I went to eat some strawberries with whipped cream and a chicken salad with fries.

We were going to the movies, it was rated R. So Brenda bought her ticket first, and I requested mine afterwards. When I was about to pay up, the cashier asks me "How old are you?". Well, I asnwered honestly, "I'm 26". She looked suprised and appologized, she thought I was younger.

THAT was the absolutely best compliment of the day.

Monday, May 29, 2006

Spoiled Brat

I am spoiled rotten. No, this isn't my underestimating of my habilities nor talents. I am used to getting what I want, when I want it. It doesn't matter how much it is or how far we have to go to find it.

My mother blames my dad and godfather for this. When I was a child, I would get everything I wanted.

The habbit continued as I got older. I learned to use my charms to get away with murder. Whether it be using my intelligence or being my flirtatious little self. Things eventually get done my way.

What happens when things don't go my way? Well, a temper tamtrum of course. A couple of screams and curses. Then when all the anger is gone, planning must be made. If I didn't get what I wanted the first time around; I will get it the second. If it doesn't happen on the second, it will be on the third. I don't rest until I get what I need.

I remember a common nickname my exes give me: Princess. What the Princess wants is exactly what the Princess need and therefore is what the Princess deserves.

Sunday, May 28, 2006

Sweet 16

It is a moment of happiness for me. I just realized that I fit comfortably in my size 16 jeans and overalls. I'm very happy.

It's been a long and dark road since I began my quest to regain a decent body. Four months of intense changes in eating habits, discovering love for wierd foods; all in favor of one thing: looking my best.

Watch out for my next anouncement. That will be when I fit in a size 14!

Saturday, May 27, 2006

My precious

Every family has some kind of heirloom. My mother's family has a ring. I have no clue how much it's worth, but I know it's been in the family for a while and has caused certain quarrels. My grandmother gave it to my mother, my mother gave it to me. Yes, to the one that looks the least like the family. I resemble my dad's mother, some even say I'm cloned

I was to recieve this ring after I graduated. Unfortunately, an exboyfriend had lost a ring my sister had given me and mother decided I would not recieve it. Last year, before I went on vacation. My mother asked for my hand and placed the ring on my finger.

It's a beautiful amethyst colored stone. They say its a diamond, I actually don't care. It's mine and yesterday I had thought I'd lost it. Fortunately I found it in my backpack.

Wednesday, May 24, 2006

Ron & Hermione

I have openly declared myself a major Potter freak. Sometimes I can relate to the tragedies of "The boy who lived". There are other times when I can fully relate to Hermione Granger. Now, I'm talking about the book version, I'm not even half as beautiful as Emma Watson.

I have naturally bushy hair. I could be considered an unsufferable little know it all. I have very few female friends. My two best friends are guys. These people can be considered outside of my little family that I mentioned in my previous post.

I have my Harry Potter and my Ron Weasley. My Ron and I have had a very interesting relationship. Every time I read the books, I secretly tell myself "There is hope."

This is a nice comparison I found and I support it with facts.

Book version
Both are very stubborn at times. Faithful friends to Harry Potter, both are fiercely loyal to their friends and would do everything to protect each other. Even became prefects in their fifth year at Hogwarts.

Real life
We are TOTALLY stubborn, specially when what we want is at stake. We are loyal to our Harry, and we would die for our friends. Even though we are not prefects, we are part of the leadership program.

Opposites Attract:
Book version
Ron: An underachiever, who actually is pretty smart, if only he applies himself in what he does. Loves Quidditch (fave team: Chudley Cannons). An impulsive person who does not hide how he feels

Real life
He hasn't completed his formal education, but is a real genious, only when he wants to or if its something that he strongly believes in. Adores music and plays in a band. Impulsive and explosive, his face reflects his emotions and his eyes show what he feels.

Book version
Hermione: An overachiever, who is the cleverest witch in her class. Dislikes Quidditch and does not like flying. A very logical person who covers up her feelings by facts.

Real life
Multitalented and multitasked, active participant in many corporate projects at the same time. Not a big fan of live gigs and dispise drinking. Try to find a source for all actions.

Relationship stages
Stage 1: Development of a friendship
A few weeks after we met we kicked off

Stage 2: Ron accepts the importance of Hermione's friendship
He has mentioned admiration and respect towards me to fellow coworkers

Stage 3: Hermione accepts the importance of Ron's friendship
I have openly supported him in his projects

Stage 4: Development of romantic feelings between them
There is something, just don't know how to define it.

Stage 5: Ron accepts his romantic feelings for Hermione
not there yet

Stage 6: Hermione accepts her romantic feelings for Ron
I admited my feelings to my friends a couple of months ago

Stage 7: Development of a romantic relationship
not there yet.

It's taken Ron and Hermione 6 years to admit their feelings. I just hope we don't take that long.

Monday, May 22, 2006


Part of Hawaiian culture, ohana means family in an extended sense of the term. It emphasizes that family is bound together and members must cooperate and remember one another. The term has the same origins as (and usage is similar to) the New Zealand Maori term "whanau".

My family has been more than mom, dad and my sister. I have Esthela, who is really my aunt. Since my mother raised her, her children call my parents grandma and grandpa and her husband calls them "in-laws".

I always wanted to have a brother. A big brother was my dream. In return, life gave me Ian. Exactly 9 months and 20 days my junior. The male support I have needed all my life. He has been there in the toughest moments of my life and has been witness of my joy for the past 10 years. Newer additions to my brothers are Mike and Jerry.

Yazmin and I are very different. She is a complete fashionista. I on the other hand am a bit of a tomboy. I adore her and Esthela. When we are together, the gossip, the laughter and the tears are endless.

I've always had the big sister complex, and eight years ago I brought Wilde into my family. She's a year younger than Yazmin and physically looks like a cross blend of Yaz and me. Many have even doubted the fact that we aren't related. Lex joined the family five years ago. I took her into my family and she did just about the same. The newest addition is Brenda, who is actually two years my senior. The bonds are still in construction phase and perhaps it will be as strong as the other bonds I have with the rest of my family.

Stitch said it better than anyone: "This is my family. I found it, all on my own. It's little, and broken, but still good. Yeah, still good. "

Sunday, May 21, 2006

Corporate Image

I've dropped a total of 20 pounds or so since I began my new eating habits. I know I'll never be a pixie , but at least I'll have my physical attributes where they belong.

Friday is when I usually wear the HTC polo shirt if I can't decide what to wear. I still had my hair straight, put on some slacks and I was ready to go. Once I made it there, I bumped into a guy that constantly flirts with me.

I was my flitatious little self, when he simply burts out "You make corporate image look sinful". That my friends, is the best compliment I've ever heard!

Tuesday, May 16, 2006

Like a Baby Beluga

Yes, it's that time of month again. Ever since I got my period, I've had a horrible PMS. My emotions go haywire, my body changes and makes me gain 4 unwanted and unexpected pounds.

I think the best comparison I've made is that I feel like a baby Beluga whale during my period. Why the emphasis on the baby Beluga? Baby Beluga whales are grey, not white. Even though Im going through physical hell, I can't lose my style.

I'd loved the fact that there is one guy that recognizes my monthly changes. That's my brother Ian. He can detect the slightest emotional change. Even when I'm all emotional and moody, he'll just say . . . you're emotional, you're pmsing. Ten years of knowing me have paid off.

Yesterday I was feeling kinda chilly. I'm one of the few that love cold environments. I whined to him telling him I was cold. All he answered was "shut up, beluga thingie". Possible translation = "your PMS annoys me"

Sunday, May 14, 2006


According to market research, Mother's day is one of the most popular holidays. Christmas and Valentines day being the first two. My mother is very fortunate, she gets "celebrated" 5 times a year. Her birthday, the day of the Guadalupe, Christmas and both Mother's days. Perhaps the last two are because we were raised in San Antonio, but she refused to let go of the native culture and customs.

I'm 26 years old, and I feel very fortunate that aside from my biological mother,whom I love and adore, I also have two foster mothers. I guess it's because I constantly look for support and approval that I can discover a maternal figue in someone.

My mother comes from a family of strong women, devoted and hard working. Challenge is an everyday word, not an obstacle. Strong beliefs and ethics have forged my family. Temptation can't currupt them, not even peer pressure. I thank my mother for these values.

My first foster mother is Lex's mother. Known as Mama China to all of us, she is the one I run to when I have emotional problems , not that I can't go to my mother about them, but mom isn't a romantic soul. She takes the practical side. Mama China has supported all of my crazy ideas, scolded me when needed an most of all accepted me into her family.

My other foster mother is my boss actually, Iliana Alvarado. She shares very similar values to my mother. They are also around the same age range. Strong beliefs, strong character, a smart and talented business woman. My role model and mentor.

I thank God for placing them in my path. I thank life for allowing me to be born in a family of strong women. A small tribute to all three of you. You have my eternal love and respect.

Thursday, May 11, 2006


One of my biggest passions is photography. Since I was a kid, I always looked to a chance to take pictures with my mom's camera. When I was in jr high, mom bought me a simple 35mm camera. I took pictures of practically anything.

I chose my advertising mayor mainly because it involved 2 years of photography. Basic, advanced, product, creative photography. My father bought me the Canon Rebel 2000 when it hit shelves. I was totally happy.

Two years later that same camera was stolen. My dad had a huge guilt trip. I had given him the camera case to take home. I was going to Italian class and was coming back home on a bus. It got stolen from the car. A couple of months later I got the Canon Rebel TI.

This is the camera I use when ever I can. Last August, I decided it was time to go back to the dark room. I decided to take up photography again. Last semester was basic black and white photography. It was more theory than practice. Since I was a bit rusty, I didn't mind. In December, during the graduation/exhibit, I was the advanced lesson pictures. I loved them. In late January, I went back for advanced photography. It involves move experimenting in the dark room during the developing process.

I remember that the first lesson, the teacher said she wanted a project for the end. I visioned an Endless gallery, with all 7 sigils. Unfortunately Destiny and Desire will not be included, but I have the 5 others.

This Saturday my semester comes to an end. It's kinda sad. I like being there. I might take up digital photography next semester, since my mom dissed my digital skills. If anyone wants to drop by, it will be at the Visual Arts Faculty.

Tuesday, May 09, 2006


I seldom talk about them anymore. At least I try to avoid it. For some reason or another, there are 3 men in my life that I simply can't forget that easily. I learned from them, I suffered for and with them. My life has never been the same since I encountered them.

My first boyfriend was older than I was. Aspiring musician. Handsome, smart but had a medical condition. A complicated relationship. Our last fight was about me not wanting to get married. I was 15, he had just turned 20. He had a motorcycle accident after that fight. I learned to be strong, to not let my personal suffering get in the way of my professional life.

My high school boyfriend was a complete sweetheart. Understanding, pleasing every tantrum I had. He was more than my boyfriend, he was my best friend. We parted ways when our schedules got complicated. He's the only one I've tried hard to remain close to. I know we hurt each other terribly, but if he asked for anything I would help him if I could.

My last boyfriend. A free spirit. Taught me the power of dreams and believing they can come true. Unfortunately I didn't share his dream, and slowly the relationship began to decay.

Three men I've loved deeply, whom at once I called the love of my life. The rest, they simply have been characters in the novel of my life.

Monday, May 08, 2006

Letting go

I admit, I haven't posted as often as I would like. I still have my dependence on my space over at MSN. Last week was complete hell for me. I felt completely betrayed by those I considered my friends. I've never understood the concept protecting from the truth. The affected person will find out anyway.

I found comfort in my sisters. I am blessed with having 2 other sisters aside from my biological sister. All three of them offered support, advice and a brighter way to see things. My cousin was great at giving me ideas on how to torture the blood traitors. As much as I would love to have them pay, I love 2 of them more than my life.

The weekend has helped me calm down a bit. Listening to good ol' NIN. This week is my photography exhibit. So the fun never ends.

PS. He looked so cute today.

Tuesday, May 02, 2006


It's funny, how you can actually be surrounded by dozens of people and feel completely alone. It's been a while since I've had that feeling. The emptiness, feeling hollow inside. It amazes me that this feeling has been growing at a speeding rate.

I think it began two weeks ago. I don't remember exactly. The feeling that I don't belong here anymore; like an extra in a bad movie. When I talk about here, I mean HTC. I dread swiping my badge every morning and bless the minutes before I leave. I grow more anxious as the days go by.

I've tried to keep things low key and impersonal. Honestly I've failed. I see my so called friends shunning me from things. Apparently they can now tell if I'm in the mood for something, and since they can read my eyes they know when I don't want to go out. Call me paranoid. I'd rather be safe than sorry. I feel I can't trust anyone anymore. I'm expecting someone to stab me in the back or worse, feel offended by something I said.

I remember clearly that someone close declared himself a user. He sticks around when someone is useful to him, then disappears when he has taken what he needed. Perhaps that is my situation, I've served my purpose and my time is up.

Should I start partyhopping and drinking until I lose conciousness like they do whenever they can. Shall I start flirting like crazy again and make out with the first guy I see. I would be very inconsistent. Afterall, I loathe girls that do that.

I don't think so. Sorry, that isn't me.

Monday, May 01, 2006

Kid's day and self-presents

I remember when I was a kid I waited anxoiusly for Kid's day(celebrated on April 30th). It was my golden opportunity to get that toy I didn't get for Christmas nor my birthday. My parents, grandmother, godparents and other relatives spoiled me crazy.

As I got older, the toys became money. Suddenly I was too old to be celebrating Kid's day. So I decided to celebrate on my own. I usually buy a plush that I like for myself on the very day. My vast Eeyore collection was born that way.

This year, I pampered myself earlier. On my last trip to McAllen, I found this adorable Stitch at the Disney store. I simply couldn't resist leaving him there. So he came home with me that day. Stitch now has a new home and I had my present earlier. Life is grand!