No pain, No gain

Every achievement involves effort and sacrifice. No pain, no gain is a common motivational punchline used by many trainers.

Ironically, one of the most painful things I've seen and experienced is a beauty regime. Starting with strange looking turbans to straighten wavy hair, undergoing stinky perms and relaxing chemicals, removing body hair with hot wax, amoung other strange rituals. This excludes strict diets and time invested in the gym.

I consider myself one of the few that doesn't do all those things. I've learned to live with my wavy, bushy Hermione Granger hair. I seldom straighten it with a flat iron, only for special events or when I'm feeling flirty. What I can't do without are my colored contacts or my blue black dye for my hair.

Six months ago I began using a corset to help improve my posture and my S shaped back, As I've been losing weight, I've gotten the corset adgusted. It always gets reduced 3 or 4 cms from my real measurements. This helps my back to be straight and keeps my tummy tucked.

During my usual adjustment, one of the girls that does the fixing wanted a Starbucks coffee. I told them there was a new one closer to where we were. Since I didn't know exactly were, I got threatened that I'd get a bigger adjustment because I didn't have comple info.

The moment we were going to zip the corset up, we couldn't. I almost thought they were going to have to losen it up a bit. The other girl was called in. It was three against the corset. As we began closing the corset, the both were telling me how pretty I was going to look. Assuring me that all the sacrifice was worth it.

Suddenly, the motivational comment "You're gonna look like Barbie" is misinterpreted and transformed into "You're gonna look like Barney". The three of us laughed our ass off and finished zipping the corset.

Something as simple as breathing hurts.Yet looking at my reflexion in the mirror reminds me that every single adjustment is worth it.

I don't need intensive torment. The 45 pounds I've lost arethanks to every single adjustment I've had.

So, I lied

I had a party Saturday night. Nothing too complicated. A get together to celebrated a belated promotion. I wore my Durmstrang t-shirt and some jeans.

The moment I got there, my bottle of Boone's was placed in my hand. We started talking and remembering the old days. Suddenly secrets began to be shared. The compliments about my notorious weight loss were made. The changes in my personal appearance such as the contact lenses and straight hair were noticed.

Mainly, because these were people that hadn't seen me in aproximately four months. X, a friend that unfortunately got fired back in April/May was making the compliments and asking questions. Suddenly,the inevitable question arose.

X: So, are you dating someone?
V: No, but there's someone known as the "imperfect".
X: And who might this "imperfect" be?
V: None of your business. All you need to know is that he isn't perfect.

The conversation continued. We focused on talking about our professional lives or what remains of them. Clearing up old rumors and gossip.

X: So, is J (the imperfect's real name) the imperfect?

I remain silent and turn to see a friend that knows my secret. I choke on my drink and threaten X with the bottle.

V: Of course he's imperfect. He can't be perfect because he never asked me out.

I changed the subject, but I got extremely nervous. A couple of minutes later I left the party. Before I left, X asked again to know the imperfect's real identity. I said that one day he would know.

It makes me wonder. Were there really feelings and attraction involved long before we decided to admit it? Were we acting dumb? Were we pretending to be mature and see beyond attraction? Was this simply meant to be?

I wish it is.

So long September

Here comes the rain again
Falling from the stars
Drenched in my pain again
Becoming who we are

As my memory rests
But never forgets what I lost
Wake me up when September ends

Farewell to the ninth month of the year. A month in which many changes occured. It was the first month that I didn't see my love. My sisters are grounded, one by her husband and the other by her parents. I was demotivated and quit my job.

I got my contacts back and I'm still losing weight. Mom is successfully recovering from surgery. Had a couple of family issues, but they are under control.

So long September and your evening showers. Hello October and your beautiful moons.

I hope I can see a beautiful full mooon with you.

Infinite sadness

I honestly don't know what's gotten into me. I can be all jumpy and happy, but then I switch into this gloomy mood. I want to cry and scream that I'm very upset. That perhaps I'm not the kind of girl that a guy would fight for.

I'm not pretty, nor model thin. I don't have blonde straight hair. I don't come from a rich family. Are those the reasons why guys don't turn to see me? I honestly don't stand out in a crowd.

I know I have a couple of good things. Maybe it's not enough. Should I change? Shall I launch myself in another market? Should I have patience for prince charming to find his way?

I don't know what I want. I know who I want though. I try very hard to be patient, but I don't know if things will work out the way I wish they would.

I'm sad, because I miss him. Because he's so caught up in his things that he doesn't even have time for himself, let alone me. I'm upset because I'm starting to believe that he lied to me. It breaks my heart that someone could rip apart trust just to get awaywith murder.

I don't want to believe that, but he's leaving me no choice. To this day, after almost 4 months of everything, I still love him.

With what's left of my heart and my entire soul.

Mellowing down

September is almost over. Time flies when you're having fun, or so they say. I've been very busy. I've made too many desicions without even having a chance to sit down and think them over. I quit my job, because I was very demotivated. Then they said they weren't going to invest in communication. It was more than over.

I've been head of my household for the last weeks. Not a simple task. I've always admired my mom for being able to manage the house, a husband, two daughters, three cats and other random pets. Plus she was head of the Sunday school thingie.

I've learned to cook. Not a lot of things, but I can make a pretty mean rice and chicken soup. I haven't had time to think about the love of my life. The only thing I am fully aware of is that I still have very strong feelings for him. There are moments when I want to give up. I fall into the conclusion that the fight isn't worth it, then I pick myself up. My life is worth every tear or drop of blood I shed for him.

It's not easy, but I'm glad September is almost over.

And I didn't see you this month.