Saturday, September 30, 2006

So long September

Here comes the rain again
Falling from the stars
Drenched in my pain again
Becoming who we are

As my memory rests
But never forgets what I lost
Wake me up when September ends

Farewell to the ninth month of the year. A month in which many changes occured. It was the first month that I didn't see my love. My sisters are grounded, one by her husband and the other by her parents. I was demotivated and quit my job.

I got my contacts back and I'm still losing weight. Mom is successfully recovering from surgery. Had a couple of family issues, but they are under control.

So long September and your evening showers. Hello October and your beautiful moons.

I hope I can see a beautiful full mooon with you.

Friday, September 29, 2006

Infinite sadness

I honestly don't know what's gotten into me. I can be all jumpy and happy, but then I switch into this gloomy mood. I want to cry and scream that I'm very upset. That perhaps I'm not the kind of girl that a guy would fight for.

I'm not pretty, nor model thin. I don't have blonde straight hair. I don't come from a rich family. Are those the reasons why guys don't turn to see me? I honestly don't stand out in a crowd.

I know I have a couple of good things. Maybe it's not enough. Should I change? Shall I launch myself in another market? Should I have patience for prince charming to find his way?

I don't know what I want. I know who I want though. I try very hard to be patient, but I don't know if things will work out the way I wish they would.

I'm sad, because I miss him. Because he's so caught up in his things that he doesn't even have time for himself, let alone me. I'm upset because I'm starting to believe that he lied to me. It breaks my heart that someone could rip apart trust just to get awaywith murder.

I don't want to believe that, but he's leaving me no choice. To this day, after almost 4 months of everything, I still love him.

With what's left of my heart and my entire soul.

Mellowing down

September is almost over. Time flies when you're having fun, or so they say. I've been very busy. I've made too many desicions without even having a chance to sit down and think them over. I quit my job, because I was very demotivated. Then they said they weren't going to invest in communication. It was more than over.

I've been head of my household for the last weeks. Not a simple task. I've always admired my mom for being able to manage the house, a husband, two daughters, three cats and other random pets. Plus she was head of the Sunday school thingie.

I've learned to cook. Not a lot of things, but I can make a pretty mean rice and chicken soup. I haven't had time to think about the love of my life. The only thing I am fully aware of is that I still have very strong feelings for him. There are moments when I want to give up. I fall into the conclusion that the fight isn't worth it, then I pick myself up. My life is worth every tear or drop of blood I shed for him.

It's not easy, but I'm glad September is almost over.

And I didn't see you this month.

Beauty's pricetag

It hasn't been easy to become what I was a couple of years ago. Today was a clear example.

I've been wearing an orthopedic corset to help improve my posture for a few months now. It helps that it keeps my tummy tucked. I usually get adjustments every two weeks or so. Today was the only day I could get away and get it fixed.

I walked to the little place where I bought it. I applied the cream and lotion before wearing it. Then the moment of truth came. Time to put it back on after an inch had been reduced. With 3 people, myself included, it was finally closed.

Of course I look lovely, but I can barely breathe! It's pretty expensive to become myself again, but I'm worth it.

Now if I can only get you to see me.

Wednesday, September 27, 2006


Change is something feared by many. You have to modify conducts and leave behind things that you were used to doing. Change is like death, its one thing thats guaranted.

Over the years I've tried to change the aspects of myself that I don't like and make an effort to become a better person. I'm not sure if I've done well, but I believe I've tried hard.

I've evolved into a cold but caring creature. I'm more patient now. I'm a bit more tolerant. I look at the grayscale, instead of black and white. I've let the beautiful nerdy girl that hides underneth me to emerge. I've given myself permision to make mistakes. I let myself fall deeply in love.

I just hope my love allows himself to fail.

Monday, September 25, 2006

Happy birthday bro!

Today is my brother Ian's 26th birthday. He hates birthdays and blogs, so he'll never know I wrote about him. He can't eat cake because he's allergic to flour and chocolate would make him hyper.

Ian has been my best friend for 11 years now. I met him in high school the moment I found out I had failed Spanish 1. He lent me his calculator .

He have a lot of things in common. I guess we had more when we were younger. We've eventually grown up, just a little bit.

He's the perfect friend and him knowing me so well makes him my bro. He's the only guy that I wouldn't be emotionally attached to, but that can tell me my mistakes on the spot. He's seen my laugh, cry, fail and succed.

Thanks for always being there bro.

Sunday, September 24, 2006

I miss you

I woke up in the middle of the night yesterday. The first thing that came to my head was your name. I never really thought I could miss someone that bad.

I miss being able to snuggle up next to you and simply stay there as long as I want.
I miss holding you.
I miss opening my eyes and you being the first thing I see.
I miss listening to your voice.
I miss thinking up options of things for us to do.
I miss the way you coax me into doing what you want.
I miss the way you hold me.
I miss the way you would rant about your terrible day and then say its ok now.
I miss kissing you.
I miss the secret looks and smiles.

Most of all, I miss my best friend.

To you I dedicate today's rain.

Saturday, September 23, 2006

At long last

The sky is just a gigantic blue Sapphire stone into which the earth is embedded – this belief was cherished in ancient times. And, in fact, does there exist a better image to describe the beauty of an immaculate Sapphire of purest blue? This gemstone exists in all the shades of blue skies, from the deep blue of evening skies to the bright and deep blue of a clear and beautiful summer sky which charms all people. The splendid gemstone, however, also comes in many other colours, not only in the transparent greyish misty blue of far horizons, but also displaying the bright fireworks of sunset colours – yellow, pink, orange and purple. So Sapphires are really and truly heavenly stones, although they are being found in the hard soil of our so-called "blue planet”.

Blue is Sapphire’s main colour. Blue is also the favourite colour of about 50 per cent of the population, men and women alike. This colour, which is strongly associated with sapphire, is also linked to emotions such as sympathy and harmony, friendship and loyalty. These emotions belong to features which are permanent and reliable – emotions where overwhelming and fiery passion is not the main element, but rather composure, mutual understanding and unshakeable trust. Sapphire blue has thus become a colour related to anything permanent and reliable, and this is one of the reasons why women in many countries settle on Sapphire for their engagement rings. Sapphire symbolises loyalty and faithfulness, while at the same time expressing love and yearning. The most famous musical example for this melancholic shade of blue can be found in George Gershwin’s "Rhapsody in Blue". Sapphire’s blue colour is also evoked where clear competence and controlled brainwork are the issue. After all, the first computer ever to wrangle a victory from a chess grandmaster and world champion was named "Deep Blue".

The sapphire is also September's birthstone. My mother's birthstone or my new nonbirthstone. When I was about a week old, my mother bought a beautiful sapphire ring. It is embedded between 2 leaves made of gold.

I've loved that ring since long as I remember. Unfortunately for me, it was too small. Last year, mother gave me my greatgrandmother's ring. It's so rare, we aren't even sure what stone it is. One jewler said it was a violet diamond. I cherish that ring, because of what it represents. My heritage, my pride, my family.

This year, on my nonbirthday my mom said she wanted to give me something. She opened an old ring box. There it was, the blueberry ring pop. The ring I loved stealing from mom when I was a teen to wear to important events. Then she said it : "Get it made to your size, it's yours".

Perhaps its a bit of hope and a signal that things come for those who wait.

Devil wears Prada

The details of your incompetence do not interest me.
-Miranda Priestly

Bosses from hell. That's the most common complaint I've heard and I've possibly used. Today I went to the movies with Lizh. I was eager to watch this film. After all, I want to be as evil as Meryl Streep and if I can score her style, even better.

I remembered 2 of my bosses: Irma and Iliana. No, I'm not saying they are like the Devil; yet they have strong characters and expect nothing but excellence from the people that work with them.

I learned to do things the way they expected them to be done: perfect and before request. It comes to a point in which they push you a bit harder to see if you can pull through and are completely suprised to realize you do. Suddenly you find them training and preparing you to be their succesor.

Unfortunately, I also became like that. I expect nothing but the best from the people that work with me. Could it be that I was properly trained or I'm simply picky.

Iliana and Irma, I owe you my career and my professional ethics. Thank you for being my Mirandas. I would not be what I am today if it hadn't been for your advice, support and for making me go the extra mile.

Tuesday, September 19, 2006

Happy unbirthday to me

Today is my unhappy birthday. That's right! Today is Hermione Jane Granger's birthday. Since my darling angel calls me Hermione (could it be because I act like an insufferable little know it all?) As any birthday girl, I got presents and I'm gonna celebrate.

It's the first time I celebrate my unbirthday. I bought my violet colored contact lenses (the last pair went down the drain when I sneezed last Friday). I got the best present of my life. The sapphire my mom bought right after I was born was finally handed to me. I took it to the jewelry store to get it sized for me.

I had to go hug Armando, he need to pay up for being the only one that was able to make me cry.

Happy 26th unbirthday to me.

Freaking Potter didn't even remember.
I hope he hasn't gotten himself killed.

Carefree mode : Enabled

Why should I worry? Tell me.

Why should I care?

I Said, I may not have a dime. Oh!
And even when I cross that line.
But I got street savoir faire.

Ev'rything goes. Ev'rything fits.

Mother is a common nickname I recieve. I'm usually watching over someone else or taking care of others. I've always been the one that everyone goes to when they have a problem or need advice. I've been strong and the shoulder everyone can lean on when they need to.

These last few weeks, I've needed to shed those responsabilities. It's cost me a bit, but honestly I need to breathe. I think these forced vacations will give me the time to think about myself and how I want to portray myself in the future.

I need to focus on myself right now. I want to pamper myself because unfortunately I have no one to pamper me.

Sunday, September 17, 2006


One of the things that helps human beings break silence is music. Remaining true to my bizzare taste and style one of my all time favorite bands is Apocalyptica.

Apocalyptica is a Finnish band consisting of three classically trained cellists,Eicca Toppinen, Paavo Lötjönen, Perttu Kivilaakso and (since 2003) a drummer, Mikko Sirén. Their speciality is heavy metal music played on cellos, though they also play classical music. They are all former students of the Sibelius Academy in Helsinki.

Their first album, Plays Metallica by Four Cellos, consisted solely of Metallica covers. For their second album Inquisition Symphony, they added covers of Faith No More, Sepultura and Pantera, as well as three original songs. For their fourth album, Reflections, they developed their style of cello rock further; adding drums and developing a more electronic sound, instead of the previous acoustic style arrangement found on Inquisition Symphony and Cult.

In 1999, Antero Manninen left the band, being replaced by Perttu Kivilaakso. Max Lilja left in 2002, leaving Apocalyptica with only three members. Dave Lombardo did the drumming for five tracks on Reflections and for one track on Apocalyptica. Lombardo was unable to tour with the group from the beginning so Mikko Sirén filled the position and is now officially the fourth member of Apocalyptica. During concerts Antero Manninen also supports the group as fourth cellist.

Their energy during live shows is uncomparable. The way they manipulate the cello, as if it was a light as a feather and their perfect execution make any heavy metal lover an inmediate fan. Talent, style, originality are few appropiate adjectives to describe their personalities and style. Never fearing new things, they have added lyrics to a couple of their songs. The lyrics do not compete with the music nor vice versa.

They may confound some and inspire others, but whatever you make of them, APOCALYPTICA are originals, and theirs has been a rock 'n' roll fairy tale come true.

I so want another tour.

Saturday, September 16, 2006

Its over

Today was my last day at HTC. I decided to leave the company with style. Fortunately we were having jeans day and I could dress up. It was a very strange day. It was extremely cloudy. Perhaps the consecuence of an intense rain from the previous night.

I got there and checked if I had packed everything. It was going to be a long day and I was determined to enjoy every second of it.

I had breakfast with Paola. We were laughing about nonsense when I realized me former department staff members weren't talking to me since I made my choice. It's odd. I guess that's the HTC way.

I spent a couple of minutes back at my place, checking if I had everything in order and delegated. I honestly don't want to be bothered by HTC after I leave. I applied ly last survey and taught the new girl how to make the reports.

It's an odd feeling, carrying on with my daily tasks and knowing it would be the last time I would do them. I went with Jessica to the market to buy somethings and went to Torre. Jessica said I had 10 minutes. I ran to URS to say bye to Laquisha, Leon and Adriana. I flee upstairs to AOL to find Armando, Eddie and Fer. Moved along to RMS to tell Carmen and Clara. On my way downstairs I found Fabian Alvarez.

I went back to Cuervo and had lunch. I went with my MRM kids. Four of my Comcast Kids had interviews for supervisor. I was there to cheer them on. I got upset because I had my day planned and Mariana was trying to get me to sit down and explain the TM educatonal process to her. She had her chance and she blew it.

I went back to Torre, to say my last goodbyes. I finally found Laura. Armando simply said "I don't want you to go". He was the one that made me break down into tears. I hugged Carmen and Laura in a group hug. That's when Victor came over. Clara and I were kidding around. Once I walked out of Torre I found Adriana and also said bye.

I walked to Cuervo. Erika left a post it saying goodbye. JB, Genaro, and Nayeli were by my desk. Horacio apeared by my desk to say bye. My voice creaked when I told him he was my dad, my boss and my mentor. Juve also came along and so did Fabiola. I cried with JB. He's my sweet kid.

I took the dreaded walk up to the meeting room. I literally walked the plank. Caty and I checked everything. Once I finished signing, I was no longer an HTC employee. I handed in my badge and went to say bye to Rudy. I walked down the stairs, took my stuff and walked out the door. Outside I said bye to Julie, Paola, Ale and Jessica.

I left HTC forever, but my heart remains with those that continue to be loyal to me. Thank you for everything you taught me. Gerardo was right. You remember the good things at the end and forget the grudges. All the experiences and the memories are able to erase the blackmail and the rumors.

My love remains with my MCI team: Fabian, Horacio, Fabian A, Julio, Agustin, Carlos Luis, Carlos Martinez, Carmen, Eddie, Eduardo, Ian, Arturo, JB, Juve,Roy, March, Tony, Angie,Pedro, Gary, Ziqui, Hugo, Rosy, Omar, Rodrigo, Ruben, Katia, Marcy, Fabiola, Danny, Otto, Laura, Julio Casas, Ale, Alejandra Campos, Fraire, Karlita ; the Comcast team: Alice, Mike, Mariana, Paola, Rabanito, Fercho, Junkie, Tavares; the AOL team: Ordorica, Gordillo, Garrido, Armando, Fer, Carlos, Magno, Kika, Blanca, Brenda; my Toastmasters crew: Victor, Antonio, Jesus, Roble, Laura; my JLC kids: Julie, Luly,Homero, Genaro; the ones that don't fit into any category: Ale, Ana Lucia, Adriana, Molly, Goretti, Mayer, Tony, Jessica, Patty, Clara, Adriana, Ruben V., Rogelio, Ivonne, Alfredo; to those that left before me and to those that will follow.

Thank you for everything and being a part of my life.

Thursday, September 14, 2006

One more day

Today was very weird, most of my kids already know what will happen.

They have mixed emotions. Some are upset, others are sad and a selected few are offended.

My heart goes to all of them, I will miss them all dearly.

Wednesday, September 13, 2006

Time to say goodbye

Stitch and me, up to no good

Time to play peek a boo and go into hiding.

Time to have a transformation and become someone who I thought I had left forgotten. Just like a phoenix, I must rise from my ashes and become stronger and wiser.

My platonic love Kurt Cobain once said "Its better to burn out than to fade away". My fire at HTC has just been blown out. My time has ended. I learned all that I could. I had the opportunity to work with a wonderful team. I became part of something. For once I had the chance to fully experiment my communication and marketing skills.

My piece of my heart belongs to those that have given me the opportunity to get to know them a bit better, outside of the business environment. The memories and pictures are endless. I hope you understand my reasons for not staying, I would go against my ideals. I would sell out. If there is one thing I would like to be remembered by, is the fact that I'm not scared of holding on to my ideals.

It's true, people don't quit companies . . . they quit bosses. I had no choice.

Monday, September 11, 2006


Bittersweet reality

I’m giving up the ghost of love
In the shadows cast on devotion
He is the one that I adore
king of my silent suffocation

Break this bittersweet spell on me
Lost in the arms of destiny

I won’t give up
I’m possessed by him
I'm bearing his cross
He's turned into my curse

I think of you night and day. I want all this torment to be over so we can get on with our lives. I wish you had enough courage to do what you have to do. I would do it for both of us, but you have to take the first step.

I miss you, more than anything in the world. More than the moon misses the sun's caress. You are the air I breathe, the space I need to survive.

I love you, with all my heart.

Sunday, September 10, 2006

Lovely rainy day and the Grim

Today was an interesting day. I woke up late and used my violet contacts. I went out and the day was beautifully cloudy. I got back home and have a yummy meal made by mum.

I decide to go to the corner store to buy some bottled water and gum. While I walk out, I stop cold turkey. A black dog. The Grim. He sniffs me. I simply aknowledge his presence. I walk home and he tags along behind me. Then I lose him. Before I come close to my house he runs ahead of me and stands at my front door. I simply walk in and he disappears.

I started thinking about my love, and it started raining. The cool breeze and the soft thunder make me remember many things about the moments we spent together. Yes I miss him, very much. At least a bit of rain makes me calm down my anxiety.

If I were supertisicous I'd be worried about an upcoming death.

Should I worry?

Saturday, September 09, 2006

Welcome back me

Hello the real me.

And my misfits way of life.
A dark black past is my Most valued possession.

One of the things that I promised myself was to become the woman I was a couple of years ago. The pounds have been shedding off and people have been noticing. I recently cut my hair slightly below my shoulders. I'm back to straightening it almost on a daily basis.

Yesterday was a very important day. I finally found my violet colored contact lenses.

I'm closer than ever to getting all my pieces together

Wednesday, September 06, 2006

Sunday, September 03, 2006

Dark times arrise

Divided. I feel that's the way we are right now. Confussed. Not knowing what's right nor what's wrong. Heartbroken. Waking up to the cruel reality we live in.

I want to be very certain of my surroundings. Yet I don't have anything solid to hold on to. I can't believe I'm holding on to an ideal, a dream and a handful of promises. I wonder if those promises are true or were they simply lies.

It had been a while since I had last felt like this. Missing you so bad. Where every single inch of me screams your name and begs for your presence. I wish I could answer to their pleas, but I know you have important things to attend to.

That was the main risk I took. Fortunately I understand that the most important thing right now for you is your carreer. I know I'm not a priority. I wish I was.

Will I ever have a chance?
I miss you every second of every minute of every hour of every day.


Ok, I must admit. I'll never be like Gothica nor Stitch like Stitchie; but hey, we have style.

Saturday, September 02, 2006

The Twilight Zone of Sizes

I don't remember going through this when I was younger. Back when I was in Jr. High, I remember when I got my first pair of jeans. Lee size 16. In High School, I was determined to make the size smaller. I went from 14 in sophmore year, battling the freshmen 15; 13 in junior and finally 11 in senior.

I gained weight. A lot actually. I would eat what my exboyfriend would eat. I ate to comfort myself during our breakup. I went back to size 16. I would drop a couple of pounds now and then, but never go back to my High School clothes.

Last summer, I was at my sister's house. They took me shopping. God bless my sisters, they do the dirty work and I only have to go in and out of the fitting room. There's when it hit me. Size 18W. That's a politically correct way to say size 20.

I was 25 and size 20. I was at my fattest. I came back home determined to become what I was 10 years ago. I had plenty of excuses not to start a formal wieght loss plan. Work gave me no time to excercise nor to have a decent meal.

My pride got hurt when a friend's mom suggested I should actually lose weight. After the Christmas festivities I promised I would be at least size 14 for my birthday. My 27th birthday. Lex and I were looking at her birthday pics when we sat down and decided to finally do it.

Today, Lex is a size 12/13 and I have entered that mysterious world of odd numbered sizes. Yes, size 16 is too big and size 14 is a bit snug . . . size 15 is just right.

And its only September.