Thursday, November 30, 2006

Flirty conversations

So, I haven't learned my lesson. After what happened at the party the flirting has increased. To my disgrace or fortune, this new twist in my life. I'm not suffering around the corners for the guy I love, which is a nice change. Even though I must admit I would love the flirting to be with him.

We went for coffee on Sunday. It was a simple cup of joe from the Seven 11. We had a nice long conversation at his place. It was nice to just sit there and talk. I dragged him to dinner. I couldn't go to dinner with him for his birthday, so I made it up for him.

I forced him to eat and to laugh a bit. My cousin was there and two other friends. We've been flirting over instant conversations. He's gotten to know a lot of me that other don't know in the past days. He's seen old pictures of me from high school and from my first job.We're still flirting with the idea of having a movie weekend.

Don't know what we'll do, if just dinner and movies at home or dinner and cinema. I just want to distract myself from my reality and get him out of his depressed rut.

I just don't want things to get weird between us.

Saturday, November 25, 2006

Party Aftermath

I guess I will never learn. Nope, not in a million years. I went to a party organized by one of my former coworkers. It was actually a staff party for my former job. I had been out of the office for two months and missed most of those guys dearly. Of course when I got the invite, I said I would go. When a couple of friends found out, they insisted that I couldn't back out.

So I got to the club where the party would be. I dressed casually. I used my favorite combination, blue and black. Jeans and a blouse. Straightened hair and minimal make up. Before I even stepped inside the club, I was already hugging people and telling them how much I missed them.

Once inside, the loud music, the waiters and cigarrette smoke filled the area. I started spotting friends and went over to say hi. They all noticed that I have continued to lose weight and complimented my looks. One said I should dedicate a hate song to the guy I'm in love with. That same guy pinched my ass.

While I was doing the social thing, I spotted my long time crush and good friend. We immediately hugged. I told him I was going with some friends, he said he would stay where he was. I spotted him from afar and he was alone. A couple of minutes later he made his way to where I was.

He had drunk a little, but he wasn't wasted. We stated talking and then to my suprise I found myself dancing with him. I hadn't done a sensual hip dance in a long time. Lucky guy. One thing lead to an other and before I realized I had my arms around his neck and we kissed.

I backed away a bit and told him that I didn't want to ruin things. He said he agreed. We continued dancing and snuggling. Then he said it. Stay with me. I told him to ask me the same thing when he was sober.

He got completely wasted. Eventually, he told me to go with him for a hot dog. I tagged along to take care of him. I was practically holding him up. He asked for the impossible, the get the guy that was taking us home and not leave him. Sweet little angel wanted to test my witchy habilities.

In the car, he started to scold me and remind me that I had left him 2 months ago and at the party. I started to reason with him, but then decided to simply apologize. We got to his appartment and waited until he got a bit better. When I was about to leave he asked me why I wasn't going to spend the night with him. I blamed my mother.Back in the car, he was holding me.

If I really didn't care for him as much as I do, I would've stayed. I know both of us would end up hurt, and possibly lose the relationship we have. Will our significant others find out what happened? I don't know.

Now I have to be very smart about how I manage things with him.

Thursday, November 23, 2006

Happy Thanksgiving

I remember when I was a kid the huge commotion I would make around Thanksgiving. After all, it's a tradition from my native country but not for my parents. I learned about the holiday at school. Every year, while I was in San Antonio there was the traditional play and we would make turkey puppets and stuff. At home we would have a small dinner or have dinner with our neighbors.

When we moved to Mexico, I began whining about not having Thanksgiving. My main concern was the dinner, but then I would get sentimental and think about that feeling of sharing with those you barely know. It makes you feel good with yourself.

This Thanksgiving is different. My dad forgot to buy the turkey. Of course, others say "Well go buy one at HEB". It's not the same thing. You know homemade Thanksgiving lunch or dinner is special. It's not like you can buy it at anystore. At least to me.

So I didn't get my turkey, I'll have to wait till Christmas. Aside from the dinner and the football. Thanksgiving is more than that. It's being able to turn back and be grateful for the things you've been blessed with.

This year I'm grateful for having found the love of my life. I'm grateful that my parents are together and healthy. That my kid sister is in her last year of college and preparing her thesis. That my other sister and her family are ok, even if they are so many miles away. I am grateful for being able to hold on to my old friends and for finding several precious new ones.

I'm grateful for remaining alive. For my so-called emotional stability and for being able to keep my strong character even though the circumstances should have broken me into pieces a long time ago.

Thank you life for everything.

Saturday, November 18, 2006

The body

Yeah, that's me. The one without a head. There are three things you could recognize me by if you know me. My ankh, my ring and my bracelet. Those that know me even better would recognize my legs. Hey they are my pride and joy, my only asset.

The purpose of the picture was to make fun of the excessive cleavage I have. At least for my standards. I see it, and I only see myself. A couple of friends saw this picture and they screamed at me. You're way to thin.

Honestly. I started the year with almost 100 over. I'm 45 down. The year isn't over yet. I hope I hit the big 5 before New Year's. That would be awesome. It's funny because this year I didn't make weight loss one of my resolutions.

I must admit I owe the last 16 pounds to my depression. That doesn't matter, to the public eye and in my friend Peter's words I look fantastic. Funny how the biggest sadness of my life has made me look so good. Kinda ironic.

I don't consider myself beautiful and much less thin. I know I should be careful. My former bulimic tendencies might want to arise. I've been strong this time around. I've done all this without falling into my old habits. Only diet and my corset.

I only hope you consider me your type of girl.

Friday, November 17, 2006

Thinking of you

You're just too good to be true.
Can't take my eyes off you.
You'd be like Heaven to touch.
I wanna hold you so much.
At long last love has arrived
And I thank God I'm alive.
You're just too good to be true.
Can't take my eyes off you.

Pardon the way that I stare.
There's nothing else to compare.
The sight of you leaves me weak.
There are no words left to speak,
But if you feel like I feel,
Please let me know that it's real.
You're just too good to be true.
Can't take my eyes off you.

I love you, baby,
And if it's quite alright,
I need you, baby,
To warm a lonely night.
I love you, baby.
Trust in me when I say:
Oh, pretty baby,
Don't bring me down, I pray.
Oh, pretty baby,
now that I found you, stay
And let me love you, baby.
Let me love you.

You're just too good to be true.
Can't take my eyes off you.
You'd be like Heaven to touch.
I wanna hold you so much.
At long last love has arrived
And I thank God I'm alive.
You're just too good to be true.
Can't take my eyes off you.

I love you, baby,
And if it's quite alright,
I need you, baby,
To warm a lonely night.
I love you, baby.
Trust in me when I say:
Oh, pretty baby,
Don't bring me down, I pray.
Oh, pretty baby,
now that I found you, stay..

Today was a strange day. Someone asked me about you, and if I had considered working for you. I of course said no. No I haven't considered it and no I haven't asked you.

Later in the evening, I got a call from a dear friend. He had an extra ticket to a concert. I don't like the band, but I thought some distraction would do me good. At the concert, it took me a while to get acuanted and in the mood.

So, I'm there pretending to dance. I'm not much of a dancer. When out of the blue the singer chants the song that you would sing to me.

Bumbed me out to say the least. Made the fact that I miss you extremely sink in deeper.

I just want you here with me.

Tuesday, November 14, 2006

I so need to finish

This is my bedroom. It is in caos. No really. I've been trying to restore some order in my room, but it seems impossible. I'm heading towards my fourth week in hard work.

I've taken out plenty trash bags and a couple of others with clothes. Now, only a couple of details are missing. I just don't know where to put some of these things. The final step will be to take my bedspread over to the dry cleaners and change the sheets.

This weekend is my last chance.
Stability and consistance, that's all I need.

Monday, November 13, 2006


My name is Amethyst. I am an alcoholic. It's not something to be taken lightly. I have openly expressed my disgust to those that drink for no apparent reason. They say the first step is to aknowledge. I guess today is my lucky day.

I usually drink a mixed beverage like a piña colada every 2 months or so. It had been a while, in July I drank during my friend Brenda's birthday weekend. Two bottles of Boone's and some strawberry vodka mixture. I had gone earlier in the month for a drink with the love of my life.

In August came the tragedy. It was in early September when I went for another drink with Monica and Jessica. When I got my blue highlights I went for another with Wilde. Then I had a bottle of Boone's during a party and another drink that same night. Take into consideration that those drinks are not average glasses, they are 1 quart servings.

During dinner with Lizh, I had a piña colada. I went to dinner with my friends from MARCO. I had a piña colada and a mudslide. At Lillian's wedding I had two piña coladas. Last week at the exhibit opening I went for another mudslide and on Saturday I had another piña colada.

That's a grand total of 3 bottles, 2 mudslides and 8 piña coladas in less than 3 months. An exagerated amount of alcohol for my standards. I need to control this. I can't let my depression sink me into a light alcohol problem.

Maybe I am more depressed than what I think.

Saturday, November 11, 2006

Missing smile sighted

Rare shot of an honest laugh after a mental image of the genetic monster my unborn child would be. A cute little monster. Of course, each mother has an ideal. Mine would be: his hair, my forehead, his brows, my eyes, my nose, his smile, my mouth. Then of course Lex has to come along and tell me, you're gonna get the opposite. Honestly, poor kid.

It's been a long time since I've flashed an honest smile. I've been very gloomy lately. Its a combination of sadness, light depression, sense of longing and the simple fact that I miss him dearly.

As Dumbledore would say, dark times arise. I think I'm walking the path of what's right, because it hasn't been easy. I've survived. I've managed to live these months, yet daily I feel the struggle with myself to keep going.

It's so hard without you.

Tuesday, November 07, 2006


"Begin at the beginning,and go till you come to the end; then stop. "
King of Hearts/Alice in Wonderland

Once upon a time, there was a girl that felt very lonely. Her heart was weak from the numerous desceptions it had suffered. Every time she tried to lift her head proudly, she would flash a fake smile. Yes she was proud of who she was, yet she was sad.

The sadness was because she felt she had gotten to a point in her life where all the effort was worthless. Where no one valued her devotion and dedication.

After 26 years she had found the love of her life. She had never felt like that before. There was an instant connection. The rush and excitement of finally finding the one which was worthy of spending the rest of eternity with.

Unfortunately, she was late. The toad prince was already at another castle. Everyday since she realized he was the one, she had shed tears. Tears of frustration, saddness, hope and love. She wonders if one day things will turn around and be right. She can only hug her plush companion every night and dream.

I hope things turn around.

Monday, November 06, 2006

Snow Fright and the evil apple pie

Out of all the Disney princesses the one that I could possibly relate to is Snow White. I even did the Snow Fright and 7 dorks thing for my prom picture in High School.

As of last month, I am more than convinced that being Snow White is my destiny. I've never been a huge fan of apples, but I love apple pie. If you add vanilla ice cream, you had me right there. Take me now! Even when I'm on a diet, I try to endulge on an apple pie when I go to Starbucks every month with Sara.

Two weeks ago, I got together with some friends. We went to this adorable coffee shop I like downtown. The moment we walked in, we spotted the sweets trolly. I felt like if I was on the Hogwarts Express. They looked kinda shabby. I had faith that they looked like that because they were on display. You never know at those funky coffee shops.

We ordered our coffees. I had an Infinity shake. Its made up of vanilla ice cream, chocolate syrup and coffee liquer. Topped with whipped cream. Completely sinful. I decided to go for the apple temptation.

The pie looked just like the one in the trolley. I honestly don't know if it was my imagination or if it really tasted funny. I wasn't as happy after the first bite. I didn't even finish it.

Two days later, I was stuck in bed. Suffering from cold sweat and a slight fever. The following day, I was stuck in the bathroom. I felt like complete crap.

Slowly I've been getting better. Apple pies are still tempting, but no more pies from funky little coffee shops. This princess thing is more dangerous than I thought.

I got the drawves, I got the apple temptation, now let's find that handsome prince.

Sunday, November 05, 2006

1 White + 5 Black = Bride and Bridesmaids

Lucy,Judit,Alicia, Lillian, me and Marina

Another one of my friends joins the line of the dreaded Mrs. club. I have 2 groups of friends. Very different one from another. One striking difference is that even though some are getting married, one group has gotten married because they got pregnant. This is the group that hasn't taken THE STEP due to a pregnancy.

The 5 of us met about 3 or 4 years ago at MARCO. Monterrey's Museum of Contemporary Art. We were hostesses or tour guides for kids. We're very different, but there's this bond that I can't describe that brings us together.

Judit got married last year. I don't even remember why I didn't go to her wedding. Last month Lillian sent us an email telling us she was getting married. We immediately organized a small get together to talk about the wedding. In that email she sent a small but effective blackmail message, you're my only friends.

We went for dinner two weeks ago. Talked about the old days, caught up with our lives. When Lillian left, she said that it would be cool if we dress up in the same color. Ana said pink. I said hell no. Lucy said she knew someone that could get the job done for us.

The adventure began like that, selecting the dress and getting measured. Choosing a nice wedding present. Finding a van and a driver to get us there. The party was going to be at a quinta around 2 hours from downtown Monterrey.

By Friday we had the dresses and I had bought the presents. Saturday was THE DAY. I began getting ready since 11 am. Marina came to pick up her dress at 10. Keep in mind the 2 hour drive and that the wedding was at 4. I had to be ready by 1. I wrapped the presents and got primped.

Lucy picked me up and we drove off to MARCO. Very appropiate I must say. Alicia was there. I went for a snack. On my way back I saw Marina and Judit. We got in the van and began our trip. Some were getting ready in the car, while others were eating. I was eating. We made a 90 minute trip. Great timing.

Once we got there. We saw the place was empty. No decorations no nothing. We started getting he lights ready. The judge was already there. Perhaps the bride wanted to make an entrance. Once they got there, they proceeded with the ceremony. We started taking pictures and enjoying ourselves.

After they were legally married, we continued decorating. With that overwith, we sat down at our table. The newlyweds made their entrance and had their dance. We were all over the cameras, taking pics. We took pictures with Lillian. We even carried her. I suddenly realized that her little blackmail was the truth. We were her only friends.

We had dinner. Then the bar opened, and it tasted like trouble. So there we were, drinking and chatting. Judit was the first one to go change. Yes we were prepared, we took some jeans because we knew it was going to get chilly. About an hour later, Lucy and I got changed. I don't remember at what time Alicia went to take of the dress. Marina forgot to bring a pair of jeans. Mental note, take a spare pair of jeans for Marina next time.

The drinking continued, so did the picture taking. By 11ish we were getting tired. Judit called our driver to come pick us up. We left around midnight. Alicia had a bit too much. She went to the bathroom before we left. Someone grabbed a plastic bag. That was the smartest move. We hadn't hit the road when Alicia was already puking.

I got off at the nearest Oxxo for a Gatorade. The bag was my main concern. She finally fell asleep. We were in Monterrey by 1:30 am. First stop was Lucy's house. Judit and Alicia stayed with her. I was the second one to be left at home. Marina was the last one.

We spent 12 hours together and survived. We have over 200 pictures of just a couple of hours. Mina says we should do it again sometime. I agree.

There are times when I feel like I do want to get married. Last night was one of those days.

Now, if I can only get the man I want to spend the rest of my life with.