Wednesday, August 30, 2006

Holding you close

I am a very huggy person. I must admit. It's my biggest weakness. I love cuddling. I love hugging. Ironically though, I can't sleep holding someone.

Almost a month ago, we were at my darling's house. He was very tired. I gave him a couple of reasons to be tired. He took a nap after a foot rub. Something I don't do actually, but for him, the world. So he simply laid back and closed his eyes. I snuggled close to him.

I must have dozed off. I woke up startled. Mainly because I didn't know what time it was and I had to get home. Then I realized something. I had my right arm under his neck and my left arm around his chest. I was actually asleep hugging him.

It felt great. Almost like if it was something I had done all my life. I guess he felt special when I confessed.

He should, he's the only guy I've been able to hug asleep.

I wish I could hold you every single day for the rest of our lives.

Monday, August 28, 2006


The time has come my little ones. The moment of truth. My friend Paola went to McAllen yesterday. I asked her to look for a pair a jeans for me.

Today when I saw her, she told me she had my stuff. I tried them on and behold. I am now size 14!

It took me 3 months to get there, and now lets bring it on for size 12. Dances the Snoopy dance.

Sunday, August 27, 2006

Strange things

Since you are gone, things have been so strange and different. I feel like myself, but with a huge void in my soul. I wake up almost every morning at 3:00 AM, without any apparent reason. I have this piercing pain in my chest that simply doesn't let me be. The last couple of days my migranes have become more intense.

Perhaps it's because I miss you so much. It could possibly mean that every inch of my is crying for your touch and your presence. I may be suffering from withdrawl. You are like a strong narcotic for me.

This Friday, I was talking to someone and suddenly she simply states "You're X's sister, right?". I smiled and said no, that I'm simply your best friend. Funny, I answer your best friend and I want to scream "he's the love of my life".

I miss you, more than words can say. I just want to see you.

Just hold you once more.

Saturday, August 26, 2006


Freedom. I simply can't define what I feel right now. It simply feels great to cut lose of that chain. I am free of the person that has tried to make my professional life a living hell.

Yesterday I finally read the email that said. "Violetta has officially been transfered to X department". I wanted to scream, to cry, to dance. It's over. After so long.

Time for a new life.

Sunday, August 20, 2006

Mixed feelings

Well, it's been almost two weeks of twisted and wicked emotions. I guess this is one of the most interesting things about humans. We can feel many things at the same time and go from anger and rage to bliss and happiness in a couple of minutes.

It's amazing that on a Monday you can be the happiest human being on the face of this earth, holding the love of your life and by Thursday you're alone, feeling confused and miserable.

That's placing things on a weekly distance. I guess it's incredible that at 8:30 AM in the morning you could be text messaging your beloved and calling to tell her that you love her and you miss her and by 10:30 PM you are calling to say its over for now. I simply don't get it.

It's been a constant rollercoaster of emotions.
It's not a fair fight. You don't let me defend myself. It's coming to a point in which I feel you don't even trust me anymore. After 10 years of knowing each other you doubt me. I simply can't believe it. It's even more frustrating that you think there's an evil plan to see you fail. For the love of God, people have better things to do than see your life fail. Have you ever thought that if it is true, that people are expecting you to fail and be miserable is a reaction of the things you have done.?

It makes me very sad that you promised so many things and you haven't been able to keep your word. I feel used. It's like that's all you wanted, just know what's it like to have me and then throw me away.

It upsets me that you act like a coward. You're hiding from me. You're acting like if we don't know each other. Stop acting like a child and grow up. Face the consequences of your actions as I have done. Don't give me the typical crap that "I can't believe I . . . " You know the rest. Yes you can believe it; wanna know why, because you don't feel what you say. If you did, you wouldn't have even tried to know what's it like to be with me. You're happy, you're complete.

It breaks my heart to see my nephew ask for you almost on a daily basis. I never really thought that he would like you that much. Hell, I thought you would be a guy that simply went through my life. Here we are almost 3 months later of when it all began and instead of having the time of my life with the person I simply know is my soulmate, I'm suffering his cowardly reactions.

I refuse to believe that you are a jerk and you used me. You wouldn't have gone through all that trouble if this was simply something just to satisfy your male ego. Unfortunately for you, I know you. I know your tone of voice, your body language, even the shine in your eyes. Obviously, that's the reason why you don't want to see me.

All in all, I do love you. Something so strong can't change in a heartbeat. I am fortunate to have lived so many things with you. Things like a simple friendship, being best friends, being in love with each other, success, failure. Those things are so meaningful and make relationships stronger. Even things like the ones we are going through now, things like this is what makes love grow stronger.

Even though you are a certified liar, I believe there is a sweet, honest and kind young man inside you. Where things like integrity and trust are important, perhaps the most important things in life. Where beyond success in life, you simply want to be loved by someone. Where you simply are waiting for the right day to prove your quality as a human being. When you will keep all the promises that you made and stick to your word through thick and thin.

I will fight for it as long as my integrity, dignity, pride and love for you will allow.

The moonlight can't survive without sunshine.

Thursday, August 17, 2006

Lack of strength

I am honestly running out of strength. The pain in my chest doesn't go away. It's been a week already. I continue to wake up in the early morning; and I'm not the only one. Is it because we miss each other? Is it because we are trying to be together in the darkness of night? I don't know.

It hurts more than what words can say that you suddenly begin to doubt me. You ask questions and you sound like you're upset and blame me for everything that's happened. You have no idea how much that hurts. Mostly because a lot of those things I am unaware of.

I still have a bit of energy to fight; I would fight for you and against those that challenge me. I won't complain about not having you by my side as much as I would like, even though it slowly kills me day after day.

The fact that you doubt me kills me even faster.

Wednesday, August 16, 2006

Rain on love and being sane

I guess I'm not the favorite personality. I'm romantic. I'm sweet. I have high hopes. I like to believe in people.

I admit, I have suffered in the past for loving the wrong person. I'm the one that ends up curled up in a room, crying until there is no tomorrow, feeling empty and full of pain. It's usually me there tugging an old picture full of memories not wanting to let go. The one that gets made fun of for falling in love.

Yet now I see Storm and Amethyst go through a broken heart and I finally understand what pisses them off. I have never in my lifetime seen Storm cry nor Amethyst throw herself onto the bed looking into the emptiness.

I understand them. I am the one that usually goes through this. Its strange being the strong one now. The one that has to pull the other two up.

Now I have to prove my strength, wherever it may be.

Please come back, they need you guys.

Tuesday, August 15, 2006


Beneath the stain of time
The feeling disappears
You are someone else
I am still right here
What have i become?
My sweetest friend
Everyone I know
Goes away in the end
Hurt - NIN
Yup, I'm in pain. A twisted combination of physical and emotional pain. Physically, I have these cramps that should be banned from the universe. I really refuse to believe that I have to go through this every month. Sometimes I remember why I dreaded being thinner. Cramps get worse. Of course, looking gorgeous in pictures has a price tag on it. Aside from having to buy tons of new clothes and accesories; I have to endure the pain, horror and agony of monthly cramps.

Emotionally speaking, I've had better days. I've come to realize that I'm possibly not made to have a relationship. It's like everytime I find someone that's worth fighting for, he doesn't think the same way. I don't know. I'm a natural fighter. Sure, I get scared when things don't turn out like I planned. I guess that's the beauty of things, facing them upfront.

I've grown tired of being the one that has to bring the others up. I want someone to lean on, someone that will be there when I need to cry, someone that will have his arms open when I desperately need a hug. I urgently need someone that can support me, just as I can support him.

I guess this week will be full of ramblings. Afterall, I'm on my period and heartbroken. Wicked combination. I could do just about anything, from getting suicidal or simply cry myself a river.

Darling angel, don't doubt that I love you.
This Thursday my final speech will be dedicated to you.

Monday, August 14, 2006


Dreams last for so long
even after you're gone
I know you love me
And soon you will see
You were meant for me
And I was meant for you.
Jewel - You were meant for me

I can finally mope, vent and cry. It was a very hard weekend, trying to fake that I was happy and having a good time. I am slightly devastated. I could try and blame it on PMS, but then again PMS doesn't make me feel a deep emptiness in my chest.

I simply can't explain what is going through my mind right now. A part of me says, time is what he needs. Another part of me says, he simply doesn't know what he has in front of him. I'd like to think he's waiting for the correct moment.

Can't deny it hurts, but I have to understand the situation isn't easy. It's not like he can wake up one day and everything will be fine. Nothing happened in an eye blink. Yet I still have my huge insecurities.

I hope things turn out for the best. I hope I finally get what I would like. I wish he would make up his mind.

And I secretly wish I would win this time.

Saturday, August 12, 2006

I'll be there

You saw me slide, you saw me fall
We kept our pride through it all

When skies are dark, no sun shines through
I know I see the light in you
We stopped dreaming and started believing

I'll be there for you, when you walk through the fire
I'll be there for you, when the flames get higher
When nothing fits and nothing seems right
Till the very last breath of my life, I'll be there for you
I'll be there
Megadeth - I'll be there

I can't believe you expect me to take back my support towards you. I just hope you know what you are doing. You know I will always be there to support you. I will always be there to help you up when you fall. I will always be there to cheer you on.

You are my best friend. You say I'm your best friend. This is what best friends are for. To support each other, to celebrate the good times and to mourn the bad times.

Right now, I know you are making the biggest mistake of your life. You're selling out again. You say you're not, but I can see it clearly. Yet you don't listen to me, you let others sugarcoat their words to convince you. That hurts you know. You rather trust others than your best friend that has always looked out for you. The one that according to you is resourceful. That has even crossed ethical lines to help you get what you need.

It doesn't matter, I will be here for you the moment you fall to help you up. First I'm gonna kick you before you get up, then I'm gonna laugh and tell you I told you so and finally I'm gonna give you my hand to help you up.

Friday, August 11, 2006

When you're gone

I've been wandering around the house all night
wondering what the hell to do
Yeah, I'm trying to concentrate but all I can think of is you
well the phone don't ring 'cause my friends ain't home
I'm tired of being all alone
Got the tv on 'cause the radio's playing
songs that remind me of you

Baby when you're gone, I realize I'm in love
days go on and on, and the nights just seem so long
Even food don't taste that good, drink ain't doing what it should
things just feel so wrong, baby when you're gone

I keep driving up and down these streets
trying to find somewhere to go
Yeah i'm looking for a familiar face, but there's no one I know
oh, this is torture, this is pain, it feels like I'm gonna go insane
I hope you're coming back real soon, 'cause i don't know what to do
Bryan Adams

After we saw Superman, I just knew the movie hit home. You told me that you were always around. I replied that I was no Louis Lane. That's when I realized I'm in love with a big kid. Not that I want this to change, mind you.

I remember one time you told me you wanted to come into my room. I had to remove a protection charm I have in my room to let you in. I had to recast it, but now you have open entrance to my room.

For the last months you have been sleeping in my room. I can feel your presence. I feel safe. I would like to state the fact that I can't get close to one side of the bed. It's a HUGE coincidence that it's your side of the bed.

I feel a terrible void when you leave my side. It's like having an anxiety attack that simply won't go away. I made a little experiment. I checked my clock when I began to feel the void, and it happened to be the time that you woke up.

You just got here a couple of minutes ago. I can feel it, because I don't feel the emptiness.

When will you be here completely.

Thursday, August 10, 2006

Train of Consequences

Set the ball A-Rollin
I'll be clicking off the miles
On the train of consequences
My boxcar life O' style
My thinking is derailed
I'm tied up to the tracks
The train of consequences
There ain't no turning back

When I begin something, I always analyze the pros and cons. Usually because I don't like paying high consequences. Sometimes the fun isn't worth the hassle. Sometimes there are few risks and what you gain is worth it.

I face my current consequences with style and philosophy. I get melodramatic and belive in things such as true love. I begin to understand what sacrifices are. I realize that when something is meant to be, there is no way of stopping it.

I know you read me. You know that most of these posts are for you. You know this blog is almost for your personal reading pleasure; because I like the fact that you enjoy reading what I write.

I don't understand your reasons, but I respect them. Most of all because you are my friend and second because of what I feel for you. I want you to be happy; but really happy. You know, to feel that warm and cozy feeling as frequent as possible, to feel complete, to feel understood and supported. That's all I want.

We have come to the point of no return. You have decided for us and I am forced to respect your choice. All I expect from you is honesty. If you love me, say it. If you say it, mean it. If you mean it, have the courage to fight for it.

I don't know what will come next. I know I can't fall out of love with you in a night or two. It might take months or years. Will we still love each other ? I don't know. I hope so. It would be nice to be able to carry out the many plans we made.

I hope you know what you're doing. You have 3 lives in your hands. A very empowering situation. I trust you and you gave me your word that you would come through in time. To me your word is worth gold and a promise you make is a promise you keep. Unless you have been lying to me.

Today, I still love you and it continues to be all that matters.

Only now I must let time work it's magic.

Wednesday, August 09, 2006


A woman who has transformed from the sweet, lovely, kind, understanding person the husband thought she was on the wedding day, to a cold, calculating, heartless, selfish harpie after a long or short period of marriage.A latent female psychopath, that is only discovered to be one after a a period of marriage.

First of all a huge thank you to those peeps at Urban Dictionary for coming up with the most accurate defination of my biggest fear.

Today I was called by one of those individuals. Yeah, I was told she pittied me because I was in love with the person I'm currently in love with. She also asked me to leave him alone, not to call him, not to look for him, not to remember he exists.

Sure, I'll leave him alone. The day we stop loving each other. We will always be friends, we will always share our most intimate thoughts, we will always be us. I have never given up on what I love or want. Right now, the only thing in my heart and in my mind is a broken promise.

I will get what I want. I won't lose my best friend because of one of those creatures. I won't resign to my gut feeling. I won't give up on the love of my life.

I don't get mad . . . I get even.

Time . . . is on my side . . . yes it is

Tuesday, August 08, 2006

Pride and Joy

I think simply words can't explain how proud I am. At the same time, I'm very happy. My darling angel got an email with a very interesting proposal. I need to make sure it isn't Lestat with the promise of the choice he never had.

I think excitement was the first thing I felt. This bolt of energy that instinctly makes you want to jump and scream to everyone how happy you are. The of course the joy that arises when you realize that this was something very dreamed of. Finally, pride. Yes I admit, I am very proud of him, he has worked so hard to build that dream and to continue to believe in it.

I guess the hard work and the sacrifice has paid off. I hope he finally realizes that there is no small wish or dream. I expect him to understand that dream is an idealistic word for goal; and darling, you always get what you want.


Sunday, August 06, 2006


I'm scared. These are the moments I don't like. I am so full of insecurities right now. I know one thing right now. I love him. I love him very much. I can confidently say that this is the person I've been waiting for all my life.

I think the timing was perfect, although the circumstances were not. I can blame it on him, because if he had not rushed things, the situation would be different. Yes honey, you let others rush you into things you were not sure of.

I love the way I can let go when I'm with him. I can be myself and not worry, and since he's known me for so long there is no real purpose of trying to impress him. I feel that when we are together, he lets go. He stops pretending to be the top notch manager he wants to become or the extreme professional he is. He simply is a big kid with raging hormones. Being checked out every 3 minutes is NOT normal.

As a boyfriend, he's wonderful. He's caring, understanding, supportive. As a friend, he is the best. He's funny, protective and always up for a challenge. As a lover, well let's just say he keeps up with me. Please no details, enough said.

All of this is what I think and feel. There are times when I feel very secure about what we have. Then there are moments when he seems so unsure that a bolt of insecurity hits me. I don't know what he wants, and I must say it looks like he doesn't either. Yes he does, he just doesn't know where to start.

Here is where I confess of what I'm scared of. I'm scared that even though he says he loves me (and I believe him), he doesn't even want to try to get out of the situation he's in simply because he doesn't want to start over again. I'm scared that even though he says I make him happy (and I try my best to my habilities) , he will give in to emotional blackmail and tricky attempts to get him back. I'm scared that he will place a price tag on his welbeing and it's a price I can't afford.

I'm scared that he's not the leader he claims to be.

PS: I love you J.