Tuesday, January 30, 2007

Serving more than one God

The moment you start serving more than one God, something is bound to go wrong. I'm not making prophecies here, I'm just stating the truth.

On one side, I have to keep the contact center afloat. I know Roger can pretty much handle the calls. I have to train the new receptionist. I also have to coordinate the Sales Weekly meetings. To top that off I'm involved in the SAP implementation process for CS. Thanks a million Mike.

I feel like I'm gonna crack.

I just hope it isn't soon.

Sunday, January 28, 2007

Keep Your Heart Broken

My love will grow black if your heart gets stolen
Just promise to keep your heart
One day I'll come back if the door's still open
Just promise to keep your heart broken
Keep Your Heart Broken/The Rasmus

Love is one of the most beautiful feelings, and the easiest one to take advantage of. When you love someone, you are capable of doing the most amazing things. You put up with people bashing you behind your back. Your friends' rejection. Your parents' disapproval. At the end of it all, you believe that the strength the person you love provides will be enough to let you get through.

Then comes the heartbreak. You think life is unfair. You believe the rest of the world is happy due to your romantic failure. You begin to pick up the pieces of your heart. Or whatever is left of them.

Suddenly you realize that things aren't that bad. That you are better off without that person. You recognize that even though s/he was very important to you life is manageable. You can't start thinking about starting your life with someone else for the moment, but you are getting along fine on your own.

Slowly you move on. You start flirting with others. You consider a new relationship and exposing your heart again. Then it happens. Out of nowhere, your ex shows up. A shower of explanations and excuses bomb you. A promise that things will be better this time around. Then you break apart.

You had promised yourself that you would never consider this person ever more. That you had learned your lesson the first time around. And here you are, pondering the idea. You cry, you scream and all the other person can say is "I'm sorry I hurt you".

Well, here I am. About to enter the point of no return. Should I forgive him and start all over again. Should I forget about it, and move on with someone that appears to be better.

I'd rather have someone new break my heart.

Saturday, January 27, 2007


Peace will come after a lifetime of instability. At least that's what I hope for. The past years of my life have been a bit chaotic. I want to simply live calmly and be happy.

After my private hell with my last relationship, the last thing I wanted was to become involved with someone. Out of the blue, there's this someone. Not perfect, because he's human. He's someone I can relate to. Similar in tastes, reactions, likes and dislikes. Someone that seems caring and loyal. Detail focused. Flity and witty. A guy that defends his ideals and follows them. That will stick up to protect those he cares for.

Maybe I finally found the one.

Wednesday, January 24, 2007

What I want now!

So I've been thinking. Now THAT is news folks. After many romantic failures, do I still believe I'll find someone that will love me? I hope so, I definitely don't want to end up like the cat lady.

What do I expect in a relationship? Geez, that's a good one. One thing I am certain of is that I want emotional stability. A well defined status. Whether it be simply going out or going steady. I want someone that understands me professionally and emotionally. Someone that I can share my ideals, dreams and goals with. Someone that understands that I'm a workaholic and that I do my best to have quality time, instead of quantity time.

I don't expect someone that has the same upbringing that I did; but I do expect him to understand that no matter how dysfunctional my family is, they are my life. Someone that understands that some of my friends are like my own family.

I don't want smoeone that's a newbie at life. I need someone a bit older than I am. Someone that has the same cultural and academical background or superior to my own. Someone that I can be proud of, someone that can teach me. Someone that has been around and has suffered from a broken heart, just like I have.

I'm not asking for anything that I can't give back.

Tuesday, January 23, 2007

Snow White

Once upon a time, a queen was doing needle work while staring outside her window at the beautiful snow. It was because of her distracted state that she pricked her finger on her needle and a drop of blood fell on some snow that had fallen on her windowsill. As she looked at the blood on the snow she said to herself, "Oh, how I wish that I had a daughter that had skin white as snow, lips red as blood, and hair black as ebony." Soon after that, the queen gave birth to a baby girl who had skin white as snow, lips red as blood, and hair black as ebony.

Unlike the fairy tale, the princess wasn't born with ebony hair. In fact, I did't have any! Mom used to tape ribbons and bows to my head. I am the palest one of my mom's side of the family. I also have bow shaped lips. I usually highlight them with lipgloss. I have natural dark brown eyes and now my hair is black. With blue highlights.

I have a strong weakness for apple tarts and pies. The taste of apple cinnamon makes me feel warm and cozy. I also got poisoned with an apple tart from one of my favorite coffee shops.

I've always had more guy friends. Usually up to 7 close male friends. That take care of me, watch out for me and scold me from time to time. Support me in all my crazyness.

Now I only need the handsome prince.

Sunday, January 21, 2007

Mirror Mirror

Violetta & Paola

Mirror mirror on the wall, who's the fairest of them all. A reflection is a transformation of a figure in which each point is replaced by a point symmetric with respect to a line or plane. Thanks to Webster for that. Some say no two people are created alike. Genetics and character make us all different.

In the moment of my darkest nightmare, I bumped into Paola. If you see her, you might not think we have something in common. Once you have a serious conversation with her, you might find yourself listening to my words coming from a different mouth.

We have similar talents. We share weaknesses. We share same tastes. We even look alike in a wicked way. My strength comes from her. I try to provide the same. She's not like my sister. Even though I love her like one. She's a part of me. It's like being able to talk to one of my alter personas and having her answer in realtime. Not in my imagination.

I had dinner with her last Thursday. Time goes by extremely quickly when we're together having fun. It's so much fun to be able to share so many things with someone that understands you.

Miss you tons girl!

Saturday, January 20, 2007

No looking back

I travelled the way that you showed me
Left all my sorrow behind
I’m living with rules you once told me
Expecting myself to be fine

I left my sorrow behind
(Você / Precisa / direcção)
Warning not to give up the fight
(Me diga a verdade / Protecção)

Your words that gave me direction
Helped me turn into what I thought I wanted
Fists that gave me protection
Helped me deal with you
So for now our days are through

You declared what your faith is
But you still have the fear
The way you’ve left your life open
Will no bring your destiny here
Do I continue my journey
Confusion is wrapped in my mind
So when your gone with your martyr
You can continue your lies

Today, its been months since the war began. I don't know the current status. I can talk about my internal battles. And I guess that this is the best moment to do so. I'm trying to get a clean slate in my professional life and my personal life can't bring me down.

I have to be honest with myself. I never thought I would end up in a mess this big. I thought I would be able to control my impulses and my feelings. Boy was I wrong. I went against my ideals. I betrayed everything I believed in. All done in the name of love.

The continuous flirting with one of my best friend went to the next level. I became your rebound girl. Your marriage was rocky since it began. It was built on lies and convenience. I never expected it to last more than 4 years. In fact, I still believe that.

Before you got married, you asked me out a couple of times. I said no, you were coming out of a relationship and I didn't want to be your rebound girl. Destiny definetly slapped me there. However, there was a difference. This time I knew you better. You weren't a high school memory anymore. You were someone real.

You were the person I would run to when I needed advice on my professional life. You were there for me when I my fiance vanished into thin air and when my attempts of a relationship with my crush became dust. I was the shoulder you cried on when you had trouble in your relationship. I was the one you turned to for approval of the things you were creating.

The constant sharing of dreams, fears and secret wishes built our intimate conection. We knew things about each other that no one else knew. The excessive displays of affection hidden underneath a fraternal bond possibly made us want to experience the passionate bond.

I guess it was at the point where we realized that if we didn't let it out, we would never be able to let each other know how we felt. You were about to leave the company and we were destined to drift apart.

I wanted to do it. I wasn't gonna sit there and just fantasize about kissing you. It didn't help much that I had to leave and we were never left alone. You wanted to do it. We talked about it a couple of times. That and the reasons why I didn't go out with you in the past.

Like everything we do unconciously it was planned. At least the day and when it would happen. We were so tense. I must say you were more stressed out than I was. Possibly because you were the one that was going to take the first step. When we finally kissed, we didn't want the moment to end.

You said the two things that made me react. You had cheated on your wife and kissed your best friend. I dread becoming involved with my friends because I end up losing them. We couldn't look at each other the next day, but we talked about it. By the following day we were back teasing each other and ended up kissing at the same spot where it all began.

How could something that made me feel so alive be so terribly wrong? Out of the blue your wife said that she knew you would miss me and that she was aware of how much you cared for me. You were shocked and I played dumb.

I began questioning my feelings. Why now? Why you? For once I let Destiny and Desire do their thing. The phone calls began, so did the emails. You made a suprise visit to the office and I was thrilled to see you. Only 5 days had past since I had last seen you.

Lengthy instant conversations, frequent phone calls and inocent emails were the begining of us. Being aware of a complicated relationship, I still was willing to take my chances. You did a couple of stupid things that I considered cute.

Three months was the time that life gave us together. Things got complicated and you took the easy way out. I was fully aware that we would stumble upon the situation. I still don't know what happened.

I cried endlessly. I missed you greatly. You tried to get your life back on track. Whatever that was. You simply thanked me for giving you the time of your life and loving you the way I did. I had a hard time moving on. I suffered a deep depression. I was worried for you. I didn't want things to get worse.

I forgot about myself. I forgot to live. I let go of the strength that you loved about me. I became a shadow of what I really am. I was fading out because of you. I realized what I was doing and got back on track.

I forgave you. I understood that you needed my courage to do somethings. Maybe it wasn't enough. You will always be a shadow and I will always take the spotlight. You will always be humiliated and I will be treated with respect. You will always be an accessory for your wife and I will be the support my man needs.

I loved you Jerry. I really did. You were the world to me. You were worth all the drama and rejection from friends. I simply loved you and nothing mattered. As long as you were there for me.

Today, you're a memory. You're there, in the pages of my life next to the men that were once important to me. The ones that didn't have the courage to fight for me. The ones that thought I was going to bail on them and decided to leave first.

I hope you are the last one.

Monday, January 15, 2007

Passport Oddessy

My niece Cassandra's pink bed. Same bed I slept on.

I've always been proud to be an American. I embrace my Texan roots deeply. Specially making use of a sexy Texan accent. I cross the border and automatically feel safe and at home.

Sometimes, my dual nationality had been complicated. Mexican laws are a bit more care free than American ones. Last fall it became official that all American citizens needed a passport to enter the country from Mexico.

I made all the necesary paperwork. Had my pictures taken and paid the fee. Takes about 6 weeks for the passport to arrive. When the time came, I had mom call a cousin to check if they had. My kid sister also requested hers.

I got home and mom was concerned. So was Yazmin. One of the passports hadn't arrived. I was almost sure it was mine. I was right. They had sent me a biographical statement to fill out. I was ok with that. I was concerned on the timeframe. It had to be returned on December 18th and it was January 1st.

Fights began on the homefront. Mom and Dad had their opinion on what to do. I wanted to do something else. I ended up calling my cousin Sandra. She got me an appointment at the Houston Passport Agency.

I asked my boss for a two day permit. He said it was ok. On Saturday we left for McAllen. I went shopping for some basic things. Jeans and shoes. The next morning we set out for Houston. Six hours later we were there.

We arrived to my Uncle Oziel's house. Happens to be the house I spent many summers and were we lived when I began school. The nostalgia was inebitable. Ozzie was making dinner. We called Sandra. There was another argument about the appointment the following day.

We spent the night at Sandra's, since she would be the one taking me to the Agency. I slept in a pink room. In the morning, I did my hair and got dressed. I had vanilla waifers and milk for brakfast.

Once we arrived at the agency, only Sandra and I went up. I got in line and waited my turn. They told me my issue didn't need an appointment. Oh boy. Minutes later, they called my name. I went to the window and there they had my original passport request. The girl at the window requested basic documents. I handed over my school diplomas. There was a $60 same day expedition fee. I paid up.

We went to lunch. Two hours later I returned to the agency. After a short line, I was at the pick up window and had my passport in my hands. We went back home, I had the munchies. I snacked on something. Later Ozzie took mom and me shopping.

We had pizza for dinner and I got online. Even though I felt so safe and at home at the house, I felt something was missing. I started talking with Mike and Rogelio. I realized that I was missing my other life. I wanted to get back to Monterrey just to be with them. It's not the place, it's the people.

The next morning we drove back to Monterrey. Dad got lost while getting off the road to McAllen and went to Laredo. He didn't like the highway. Hope he learned his lesson. I did some last minute shopping.

We got to Monterrey around six. I immediately called the office to let them know I was home. It gets complicated for me. Home is where the heart is. My heart is definetly back in the States, but my people are the ones that keep me in Mexico.

I hope I can one day have both.

Friday, January 05, 2007


Here we are at last. January 5,2007. I'm officially 27 years old. The perfect age. According to arithmancy 9 is the perfect number: 2+7 = 9. Also, the rock star age. Many rock stars died at 27. Not that I'm planning suicide this year.

The first one to say the magical phrase of the day was Mike. At the stroke of midnight he said it. And bragged about being the first one. Then my mom and sister walked into my room to give me my birthday present.

I went to bed. Someone called at 6 in the morning. Later I found out it was Lex. Daddy did his share of birthday love. Once I got to the office, the love continued. Rogelio got there, hugged me and gave me my present, a Snow White. Norma gave me a black picture frame. Blanca, Jessica, Norma and the rest of the office gang made the appropiate arrangements for lunch. Even my boss said Happy Birthday. I had to send a quick invite because some thought I was excluding people.

I was tortured by the corporate birthday card. Pictured above. An extremely pixeled image, with my name misspelt and pink letters. The horror. To make things worse, Mike printed it up and taped it to our door. Thanks a million.

We went to lunch to my favorite chinese restaurant. Blanca, Jessica, Norma, Mike, Claudia, Rogelio and me. It was fun. The calls came to my cellphone. Caesar called from Iowa. Lucy from MARCO called. I got a text message from Brenda. I got an email from Juve and Carmen. I also got ICQ messages from Julio, Antonio and Jesus. My nephew was forced to sing, but it was fun.

In the evening, dinner was planned at the Sierra Madre. Lex and I got there first. I asked for a table for 8 people. I'm not that popular. Lizh got there second. She looked kinda sleepy. I noticed Debbie had walked in because my nephew was flashing a couple of moves there. Mike got there with an extremely sugar loaded caramel shake from Dairy Queen. And was evil enough not to ge me something. We took a seat. Alain got there. So did Ana Laura. Kimmie and Mr. Kimmie. Norma and her kid. We had to request a bigger table, we didn't fit anymore. Denisse. Eddie. To make my day complete , Miguel, my old collage flame. The day ended with my nephew asking me to stay over and play with him.

27 definetly looks better.

Monday, January 01, 2007


Growing up, I would frequently hear adults saying that they would wait for New Year's to begin with their changes or resolutions. The of course they lose hype around February and feel bad for themselves the following year's end.

Last year I began my most drastic transition. I decided to leave behind a couple of my childhood fears and mellow with comfort food. I put myself on a serious diet. I began changing. My body took a different shape.

I became more vain. I started picking more V neck blouses. I bought my colored contact lenses. I got blue highlights. I continued to lose wieght. I started buying frilly lingerie. I started walking into boutiques on my own. I started spending money on clothes and accesories.

I plan to continue losing weight, and get keep close contact with Aunt Victoria. Keep my hair on the neat and straight side.

Simply become the girl I once feared I would become.

Welcome 2007

I kicked in the New Year watching Narnia with a friend. I continue to keep these holidays very low profile.

What do I expect of 2007?

Find stability.
Get to size 11.

That's it. I'm not that ambitious. I simply want to be at peace. I want to find someone worthy of settling down with. I want to have a shoulder to lean on. Someone that will cheer me on. Someone to go home to every night.

The other thing is to manage size 11. It's not an obsession. It's simply something I know I can do. I want to be as fit as possible. There's a simple reason behind it. I hope I can get pregnant next year and have my baby around 2009. I want a healthy baby and the only way to get there is by being healthy myself.

I'm gonna stop worrying about people that aren't worth the hassle. I'm gonna worry more about myself than others. Sacrifice is so last year. I'll let them make their mistakes and enjoy their fall.

This year, it's gonna be about me.