Innocent Questions

I've always admitted, my nephews and niece take out the best from me. They just make me become a better person. Most of my nephews are my friends' kids. The sound of Aunt Violetta is rather sweet. I've enjoyed seeing them grow during the past 5 years. Until now I've been tempted to have one of my own. And make the aunts suffer along the way like I've suffered with them.

Of course a couple of things stop me from getting pregnant. The most important is that I don't want to be a single mother. No, it's not that I'm getting old fashioned or being a prude. I simply want my little boy/girl to have a loving daddy like I did while growing up. Not that my dad has changed, but he was my everything when I was a little girl. Whether it be a boyfriend that's committed to the baby or a husband, until I have one of those I'll let myself get pregnant.

Another thing that stops me from getting knocked up is my professional career. I think I haven't proven to myself what I am completely capable of. Because knowing myself, I'll temporarily retire for at least 4 years to take care of the baby. Unless I manage to set up my business from home and juggle work, baby and husband.

Keeping all of this in mind, an awkward situation arises with my nephew Carlos. While I was at his house, he innocently asks "Aunt Violetta, why don't you have kids?". His parents froze and gave me a blank look. I replied according to his innocence "Well, because you I haven't found you an uncle and I'm also waiting for you to grow up a bit so you can help me take care of him/her". He simply said OK.

Yes, the question did hurt a bit, yet my answer was very honest. I haven't started a relationship with the one I think would make an excellent father for my kids.

And best of all, a supportive husband.

Unreasonable petitions

The last thing you expect when the second month of the year is over is having to find a pocket organizer for the year. This is what I get when I inocently ask Mike if he needs something from Office Depot. I usually make my Office Depot order the last week of the month. My order is for my department. Mike, Rogelio, Blanca, the boys and me. Sometimes I order what Eugenio needs.

He says he doesn't need anything. I double checked. I hate it that after I make my order someone tells me "you know what I just remembered I need [fill in the blank]" Then he says, "I just want an agenda like Eugenio's". This was late February and you expect me to find an organizer. I asked if there was anything else he needed. He simply said the agenda/organizer would do.

Eugenio's organizer is pretty neat. It's pocket sized and black, very simple and elegant looking. It has those cute detachable dotted lined corners that you can tear off once the week is over. I knew I was in for trouble.

Obvously the Office Depot catalogue was out of agendas. I went to a couple of Office Depots aound town. No luck. I tried Office Max. No luck there either. I looked in gift stores like Gant and Photopholio. Not a chance in hell.

I was about to declare myself a failure, when I stepped into Samborn's to check if they had my Marie Claire. I found a figure shapping shirt that I was looking for, in black of course. Lizh was buying some lotions. I was pacing around the store when I saw a small stand with notebooks and organizers. Maybe it was Mike's lucky day. Indeed it was, behind the first large shappped organizer I moved was a small black pocket sized dated agenda. Exactly what he wanted. I grabbed it and made my way to the register.

I was about to pay when the cashier said "I think those are on sale". I didn't care, I was taking it. It ended up being half priced. Once I was at home, I wrote on December 20 "Remind Violetta I need a 2008 agenda". Mission accomplished.

No wonder some say I'm extremely resourseful.

Falling

Have you ever buried your face in your hands
Cause no one around you understands
Or has the slightest idea what it is that makes you be

Have you ever felt like there was more
Like someone else was keeping score
And what could make you whole was simply out of reach
Well I know

Have you ever/The Offspring

I never said where I was falling. I think I'm falling in love. Oh yes, that dangerous word. It's someone that I have a milion things in common. So many, that it get scary sometimes. So scary, that at times it seems we're reading each other's minds.

I'm scared. I don't know if I should make a move or if I should wait until he makes one. I don't know if he really likes me or if I'm just useful to have around. I don't want my feelings to get hurt again.

I'm getting used to becoming the girl that finishes second. The one that ends up being the best friend. The one that ends up being the shoulder to lean on. The one that hears about all those frustrated dates.

I would marry this guy. I would love him to be the father of Sebastian and/or Samara. Right now we have a good business relationship and an open friendship; I'm pretty sure a relationship would be a piece of cake for us.

I just hope he thinks of me more than a friend or coworker.

Little Things

Mike, me hugging the birthday girl and Rogelio

I guess you never realize the kind of things you would do for your team until you have to do something sweet for them. My former experience as Comm Mgr taught me one thing: the most important thing is to make their day.

Of course at my new job the Comm Mgr makes unaceptable mistakes such as undercommunicating, getting people's birthday's wrong and the worst, not knowing their names. I try to at least make my area a livable place. Most of us are new, the average tenure of 95% of the staff is less than a year.

I consider myself fortunate. I have a team that can rely on each other. Even though we are struggling to adapt to our new style of work. Slowly but surely we're getting there. We've been able to combine responsabilities and help each other to make our work more efficient.

Keeping things in a happy note. Our birthdays start since January with mine. This month, we had Blanca's. What to do? Mike wasn't sure if it was appropiate to get her something. I told him to leave it up to me. I talked to Rogelio. We kinda got the idea of the gift and each went to buy the present. He was to buy a gift certificate at a record store. I was to get a balloon and a little something.

I ended up at one of my favorite gift shops. I was between a picture frame and a zen garden. Then I found small purse shaped picture holders. They were completely adorable. I had to buy them for her. Then came the card. Something cute. I ended up buying something pink. I found the balloon at another shop. A huge star shaped balloon with the approioate message: "Happy Birthday from all of us".

On Monday, I sent the usual birthday email. I hid the balloon in an office. Rogelio gave me the gift cerificate. As soon as they left for the meeting, I was ready to roll. I went for the balloon, fixed the little gift bag. Rogelio filled out the birthday card, with special dedications.

When she saw the balloon, she glowed. It was completely adorable the way her little face lit up. She wasn't expecting anything. When the guys left, she said "It was your idea". I hate being predictable. We went to lunch. I had this huge fear that Mike wouldn't make it. Fortunately he did. He ate half of my plate. I wasn't that hungry anyway. Blanca looked so happy and cheerful.

Of course the cake had to be included. Before the day was done, we had a slice of mango cake. Her favorite. Strange coincidence, it's our complete office's favorite too. Before we left she began insisting that she wanted a picture of the four of us.

Sometimes, you just have to give in.

After all these years

Me at 2. My three favorite cousins, Adrian, Eduardo and Jose Luis.

When I was a kid, I had 4 favorite men in my life. I'm not counting my father. My cousins Eduardo, Adrian and Ozzie from my dad's side of the family and Jose Luis from my mother's. Since they all are older than myself, the would tend to pamper me.

As I grew older, the only two cousins I was closer to were Eduardo and Jose Luis. Eduardo was more like a mentor and support to me. He would give me advice on how to deal with my dad. He helped me make my career selection. He taught me the few things I know about computer software.

One day, my dad comes home upset. He breaks the news. Eduardo had cancer. It broke me apart. My complete world began to shatter. I tried to remain close to him. Even if he got upset.
He passed on six months later.

My recovery began there. I haven't been able to let go completely. Even though this year I forgot about the anniversary. On Valentine's day, I bumped into a friend of mine that still works for Eduardo's company.

We cought up on old times. He insists that I haven't changed. Even though I've matured a bit and grown up, I'm still the kid he met. Before we bade farewell, he hugged me. At that moment he said "Eduardo would be so proud of you".

It broke me into tears. After all these years after his death, the thought of being able to make him proud affects me. It makes me remember that there was a real meaining in becoming as hardworking as I am.

No matter how many years have passed, his abscence is notorious. Having lost him made me colder and a bit more objective. Sometimes I wish I was still a kid and I could simply run over to him and hug him.

Sometimes I wish life had given him a second chance.

Five years later

Lex, Midget and Marco at Midget's birthday party.

When Lex told me she was pregnant, I was shocked. I wasn't expecting that kind of news. I tried to convince her about the benefits of being a single mom. Specially because she was having a rocky relationship at the moment with her boyfriend.

One day, she called my up and simply let it out. She was getting married and I was to be witness. I was more than shocked, but I couldn't let her down. I got changed and headed over to her place.

The bride was wearing denim and sneakers and the groom was wearing sweatpants. It was a day to remember. The wedding meal was a bucket of KFC. After that we went to school. It was a regular day.

Five years have gone by since that event. I've seen her struggle. I've seen her happy. I've seen her cry. I've seen her upset. But if there's one thing I admire about her is that she firmly believes in her relationship. No matter what anyone else thinks or says.

I just hope I get to 5 years with someone.

The fog

The foggy view of my building

Why miss beautiful San Francisco, when I can have the fog here. It was a beautiful foggy day today. You could barely see what was in front of you. It felt so soothing and so peaceful.

Now if I can find someone to snuggle with

Thirteen years ago

Randy and my sister Yazmin

Thirteen years ago, mom, Yazmin and I planned a trip to visit my sister Esthela in California. Two days before the trip, Esthela called home and spoke to Yazmin and me. She gave us startling news. She got married. We weren't suppossed to tell mom about it.

When we got to California. My sister and her husband picked us up at the airport. Shortly she gave mom the news. To top it off, she showed us an ecogram. She was pregnant.

An early call on February 4, 1994 woke my dad up. His first grandson was born. The baby was to have his father's name. We got tons of pictures, but plans were for Esthela to come over for my 15th birthday party. Including baby.

We realized Randy has ADHD. In a very advanced stage. Unlike mine, that developed in a later stage of my life. No one approved the treatment. My sister has kept him busy all these years. Hobbies like sports, reading, and legos have kept him focused.

His looks are from my mother's side of the family. My grandmother would be so proud. He's a sweet boy. Understanding and loveable. Loves mind tricks. Embraces challenges and likes trying new things.

It feels strange seeing my little boy grow up.

Happy Birthday, birthday boy.