Saturday, January 20, 2007

No looking back

I travelled the way that you showed me
Left all my sorrow behind
I’m living with rules you once told me
Expecting myself to be fine

I left my sorrow behind
(Você / Precisa / direcção)
Warning not to give up the fight
(Me diga a verdade / Protecção)

Your words that gave me direction
Helped me turn into what I thought I wanted
Fists that gave me protection
Helped me deal with you
So for now our days are through

You declared what your faith is
But you still have the fear
The way you’ve left your life open
Will no bring your destiny here
Do I continue my journey
Confusion is wrapped in my mind
So when your gone with your martyr
You can continue your lies

Today, its been months since the war began. I don't know the current status. I can talk about my internal battles. And I guess that this is the best moment to do so. I'm trying to get a clean slate in my professional life and my personal life can't bring me down.

I have to be honest with myself. I never thought I would end up in a mess this big. I thought I would be able to control my impulses and my feelings. Boy was I wrong. I went against my ideals. I betrayed everything I believed in. All done in the name of love.

The continuous flirting with one of my best friend went to the next level. I became your rebound girl. Your marriage was rocky since it began. It was built on lies and convenience. I never expected it to last more than 4 years. In fact, I still believe that.

Before you got married, you asked me out a couple of times. I said no, you were coming out of a relationship and I didn't want to be your rebound girl. Destiny definetly slapped me there. However, there was a difference. This time I knew you better. You weren't a high school memory anymore. You were someone real.

You were the person I would run to when I needed advice on my professional life. You were there for me when I my fiance vanished into thin air and when my attempts of a relationship with my crush became dust. I was the shoulder you cried on when you had trouble in your relationship. I was the one you turned to for approval of the things you were creating.

The constant sharing of dreams, fears and secret wishes built our intimate conection. We knew things about each other that no one else knew. The excessive displays of affection hidden underneath a fraternal bond possibly made us want to experience the passionate bond.

I guess it was at the point where we realized that if we didn't let it out, we would never be able to let each other know how we felt. You were about to leave the company and we were destined to drift apart.

I wanted to do it. I wasn't gonna sit there and just fantasize about kissing you. It didn't help much that I had to leave and we were never left alone. You wanted to do it. We talked about it a couple of times. That and the reasons why I didn't go out with you in the past.

Like everything we do unconciously it was planned. At least the day and when it would happen. We were so tense. I must say you were more stressed out than I was. Possibly because you were the one that was going to take the first step. When we finally kissed, we didn't want the moment to end.

You said the two things that made me react. You had cheated on your wife and kissed your best friend. I dread becoming involved with my friends because I end up losing them. We couldn't look at each other the next day, but we talked about it. By the following day we were back teasing each other and ended up kissing at the same spot where it all began.

How could something that made me feel so alive be so terribly wrong? Out of the blue your wife said that she knew you would miss me and that she was aware of how much you cared for me. You were shocked and I played dumb.

I began questioning my feelings. Why now? Why you? For once I let Destiny and Desire do their thing. The phone calls began, so did the emails. You made a suprise visit to the office and I was thrilled to see you. Only 5 days had past since I had last seen you.

Lengthy instant conversations, frequent phone calls and inocent emails were the begining of us. Being aware of a complicated relationship, I still was willing to take my chances. You did a couple of stupid things that I considered cute.

Three months was the time that life gave us together. Things got complicated and you took the easy way out. I was fully aware that we would stumble upon the situation. I still don't know what happened.

I cried endlessly. I missed you greatly. You tried to get your life back on track. Whatever that was. You simply thanked me for giving you the time of your life and loving you the way I did. I had a hard time moving on. I suffered a deep depression. I was worried for you. I didn't want things to get worse.

I forgot about myself. I forgot to live. I let go of the strength that you loved about me. I became a shadow of what I really am. I was fading out because of you. I realized what I was doing and got back on track.

I forgave you. I understood that you needed my courage to do somethings. Maybe it wasn't enough. You will always be a shadow and I will always take the spotlight. You will always be humiliated and I will be treated with respect. You will always be an accessory for your wife and I will be the support my man needs.

I loved you Jerry. I really did. You were the world to me. You were worth all the drama and rejection from friends. I simply loved you and nothing mattered. As long as you were there for me.

Today, you're a memory. You're there, in the pages of my life next to the men that were once important to me. The ones that didn't have the courage to fight for me. The ones that thought I was going to bail on them and decided to leave first.

I hope you are the last one.

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