The first day

this is the first day of my last days

i built it up now i take it apart climbed up real high now fall down real far

no need for me to stay the last thing left i just threw it away

i'm the one without a soul i'm the one with this big fucking hole

no new tale to tell twenty-six years on my way to hell

-Wish NIN

I just love the way Trent Reznor composes. Indeed, today is the first day of my last days: I begin my formal diet. Breakfast was more than fine. I must confess, it was more than what I expected. Lunch looks yummy and dinner will be a slight complication because I have training; yet I usually find a way to come around these things.

I am aware that my goal is a bit out of the expected; what do I have to lose. I've lost plenty of time already, not say money. There actually isn't nothing to lose, except a couple of pounds. I'm aiming for a possibly non-realistic goal of 22 pounds during the first month. If I don't make it to the 22, I want to be as close as possible.

I've taken my weight loss like that, small challenges at a time. I remember when I would say I'd go back to running, cardio, spa and diet. Of course I couldn't keep up. I slowly have lost 33.7 pounds in 4 months, just controling my mouth. Now, I'm getting a bit of help from a nutrologist (sp?) and we'll see how my metabolism reacts. I'm getting my evil biker girl outfit ready for Halloween.

In my love life, if you can call it like that, it's also the first day of my last days. I've been with this guy I've gushed endlessly about for two months now. They say that infatuation lasts 3 months. Today, I can scream to the whole world that I love him with all my heart. Knowing myself, I will be able to say the same thing at the end of the month. My question and doubts being on his side. Will he still say that he loves me at the end of the month? Don't get me wrong. I just want him to be absolutely sure about what he feels about me.

This is the first day of my last days for better or for worse.

Jealousy

I've always been harsh with those relationships that involve jealous and possesive boyfriends. I simply couldn't understand why someone would get upset about what the other did without telling him.

Then it happened. Yes, I am aware that there would be a ton of guys that would die for me to date them. I mean, where else can you get a girl thats smart, witty, talented and pretty. I am aware of my limitations, but I totally know what I'm worth. Yet for the first time I understood what the awakening of that fearless dragon named Jealousy is like.

The worst thing was that it happened before you and I had something to do with each other. Consider it childish, but if you plan to flirt with someone, don't do it in front of me. Hey! I want to consider your flirtatious ways have to be different to get me. Ok, I am being childish.

Anyway, the situation gets interesting when YOU play the dragon. You ask questions that may somewhat sound acusing. Who are you going to be with? Why? How long are you going to take? Why didn't you tell me before? Your reactions, the change in your voice. Call me silly, but it's cute that you get upset like that. In a twisted way it seems thats you're protecting what's yours.

All I can say is that we both are in trouble, because as flirtatious as we are, we are just as jealous.

From the bottom of my heart

I never thought I would need to hear someone in order to be calm, much less need to be held to feel safe. Perhaps those where ill efforts to prove myself independent or maybe just part of a habit of being alone.

Would you believe me that there was a time when I confused you with some other guy named like you. You didn't represent anything in my life, what difference did it make. I let go of those friends for a while; basically because I entered the State U, alone.

When I see you again, you had changed so much. Or perhaps it was the first time that I was really focusing on you. To my disgrace, I was trying to save my relationship with my high school boyfriend. I let my curiosity go because I was trying to save something that had died a while ago.

I get lost again, now in the business world. Suddenly, my sister tells me she met this cute guy with the knack of speaking at a convention. I immediately knew it was you. Yet, instead of tagging along with my sister, I stay home. Second chance life gives me and I play the pride game.I can't believe that if I had a thing for you, I didn't do anything to try and get close to you.

One day, at the new place I had started working, I grab the door that lead towards training room. Someone opened the door at the same time I did. It was you. You were the one that recognized me, it was the first time that we hugged. At the moment, I was hiding from my high school exboyfriend and I didn't pay much attention. That and the fact that there was a guy in training room that had caught my eye. I remember you would constantly flirt with me. You always made me nervous. You even asked me out a couple of times, but I was dating the guy from my training room.

During those group dates that we loved to have during training, you called me bitch. I don't even remember why. I was SO upset. You were also mad that day, I don't know why. Yet I never thought that you would actually try to convince me to forgive you. I remember that the people that were with us during the incident were just looking towards where we were. I eventually forgave you. After that, we got closer as friends, we began flirting even more.

Many have come and gone from our love lives; yet analyzing the situation, we have always been there one for another. Why didn't we notice before? Why are we so proud? Perhaps it wasn't the right moment.

After all this time, I've realized that you are the most important person in my life. That even though you are not my moon or sun (sorry love, those places are taken), you are the energy that I need to keep going. Every moment that I spend with you is as if time had stopped. Nothing can hurt me when I'm with you, at least that's how I feel.

Sure, we love to make each other mad. We enjoy making the other jealous. We can be very civilized adults, but we are close to the kid inside us. It amazes me that we have very similar tastes and pet peeves and we still have very difined personalities. The artist and the politician.

I miss you since the moment I last see or hear you. You are the compliment that makes me feel 100% complete. It's true, I've survived years without you.Now that I have you, I realize what I've been missing. I notice the person I am with you and the one I've always been. I love the way you get protective about my skills; as if they were your responsability. I've seen you try to become my mentor and me stubbornly not let you. Yet you are my bigget support, and even if I get mad, I take the professional advice you give me. That's our weak spot, our professional life. When I miss you, I miss my partner in crime, the shoulder I can lean on, my moral support, my best friend and my love. I miss you like a spoiled brat once a month.

I love the way you worry about me, and how it upsets you that I can't let myself go and simply do the typical girly things. You have been slowly trying to get me to lose a bit of grip on the control thing so you can handle things. You know I'll end up letting you guide this. Give me time to get used to it.

When you're not around, I'm missing the person that challenges me to be more creative, that makes me even more sensitive and even more objective. I'm still me, but you help me take my skills even further.

Some say its better late than never. Even though it took me years to notice that I've had the love of my life right in front of me, I thank Heaven I finally realized what was in front of me. I'm scared of losing you or driving you away, yet I know that if us is something that has to happen it will. I simply want to enjoy the moments I get to spend with you. Whether it be face to face, over the phone or online. The more, the better.

I love you, with all my heart . . . or what's left of it.

False Alarm

Just when I thought that I would come down with a terrible flu due to obvious reasons, science proved me wrong. When I was a kid, I had asma and allergies. The result was a very weak immune system. The slightest breeze would cause a bad cold.

Fortunetly, most of my meds are over the counter and I can buy them at the first symptom. So, after kissing Mr. Highly Contagous Flu that I've had it for a week and can't get rid of it I popped 2 tablets in the morning and another one in the evening.

No flu yet. Looks like my immune system is finally fighting back or he has a wimpy immune system or even worse, he's not taking care of himself.

Alright Mr. you better start taking your meds because I don't want to end up with the flu!

Venemous Kisses

I have no clue what Ville Valo was thinking when he wrote Killing Lonliness. I simply adore the verse "with the venemous kiss you gave me". The complete song itself defines my current relationship. The way it began and the simple fact that every time he kisses me or I kiss him I feel completely alive.

Well, today aside from being alive, I think I'm coming down with the flu. I simply couldn't avoid kissing you last night. I needed to do it. You warned me about your flu being higly contageous, yet I didn't care.

I was dying to taste you once more.

Sweet dreams my love, I miss you.

Missing you

Yeah, I miss you. This time it's harder to say than to do. I can't belive that everytime I think of you my eyes shine and I flash a silly smile.

You're so close, yet so far away. It feels like an eternity when I'm not with you, yet everything goes away the moment I lay eyes on you.

What do I miss the most about you? Everything about you. Your scent, your goofy grin, the way we pick on each other, the way you hold me. I miss all of you and everything that involves you.

I wish I could be with you more.
I wish the torment would stop.
I wish you were completely mine.
I wish I wouldn't have a reason to miss you.

Tonight, even though I'll go to bed alone missing you; I know your presence is here somewhere.
I love you and I miss you even more.

Captain Jack Sparrow

Ever since I was a kid, I've had a thing for rebelious men. Biker boys were my absolute favorite. Growing up I had a weakness for musicians. Drummers being my favorite, yet I also dated guitar, bass and keyboard players. Maybe I had a thing for the misunderstood, the outcasts and the thinkers.

Three years ago, I saw on the big screen my perfect match. Captain Jack Sparrow. Charming, witty, that would do anything and even be capable of betraying just to get what he wants. The fact that he's cute adds cookie points.

Today I saw the Captain again. Just as charming, just as descieving. Suddenly I realize that even though I would love to have a passionate love affair with dear old Jack, I would rather come home every night to someone like Will Turner.

Yeah, I'm becoming a softie. I want a guy that I can go home to and be with him. You know, just snuggle, watch a good movie or simply talk to. Someone that would be willing to do almost anything to keep me safe.

I realize I possibly messed up comparing you to the Captain; even though you are just as charming. Fortunately for me, you're also the kind of guy I would love to go home to.

Real life is MUCH better than cinema.
I get to have the adventurous Captain and brave Will in one person.
Yes, you all can hate me now.

Fear

Fear of a name increases fear of a thing itself.

-Albus Dumbledore

I remember when I was a kid the only thing I truely feared was my mother's wrath. The moment I heard my middle name, I just knew I was in trouble. As I got older, my biggest fear became ending up alone.

I have learned to embrace my loneliness and treasure the few quiet moments I spend alone. I read most of the time or slumber in my quiet temple (my room). Yet every time I go out with my friends, I am always the single one. It's like if I'm not meant to share my life with someone.
It really brings me down.

Life gives so many twists and turns. My path has crossed yours many times during the last 10 years. How was I to know you would be the person I would want to spend the rest of my days on Earth with? How was I to know that you would share my dreams, goals and plans? How could I tell that you have the same passions and desires that I do? How could I know that I would be willing to care for you the rest of my life?

Time has done that. Time has given me the oportunity to let me get to know you better. To finally understand that there is such thing as a soul mate. Now my biggest fear is to lose you.

It would be my biggest tragedy. To finally become aware that you do exist, that you are something real and something I can have (you know what I mean) and that you give up on this that we have because you become scared of trying something new.

I have confessed my biggest fear. I'm scared of losing you. I'm scared of losing my best friend. I'm scared of losing the guy I can talk to about nothing and everything at the same time. I'm scared of losing the only person that makes me feel alive and inspires me to keep going. I'm scared of losing the only rival that I would be willing to have a death match with.

I'm scared that you don't love me the way I love you.

New

My normal hesitation is gone

And I really gravitate to your will

Are you here to fetch me out?

'Cause I've never had this taste in my mouth

Oh you're not old

And you're not familiar

Recently discovered and I'm learning about you

New, you're so new

You, you're new

Oh you're different, you're different from the former

Like a fresh battery, I'm energized by you

Don't let it go away

This feeling has got to stay

And I can't believe I've had this chance now

Why am I so curious?

This territory is dangerous

I'll probably end up at the start

I'll be back in line with my broken heart

I couldn't have said it better myself. I've known you for so long, yet THIS (whatever it is) was a side of you that I never thought I would get to know. I never thought I would be so concerned about your wellbeing, your happiness and your safety. Afterall, there was a time when we would be at each other's throats and not in a lovey dovey way.

I don't know where this will end. I don't want to worry about having third parties involved. All I want is to be happy and if it's with you by my side, nothing would make me happier.

I just hope I don't fall hard

Doctors

If there is one thing I totally hate is a doctor. Don't get me wrong, I know a couple of doctors worth their weight in gold due to their talent and knowledge.

A few months ago, my mother told me she needed surgery and that her tests were to be done in July. Yesterday is the big day. When I get home, I run to her room and ask her how did it go. She simply smiles , you know one of those tired smiles, and says the doctors made the wrong tests.

For crying out loud, how could you get a human being to torture itself fasting and doing some weird prerituals just so you can mess up and say "Sorry, wrong test".

One thing is certain, I'm glad no knives or lasers were involved yet, but it still upsets me.

Other things I like about you

I was a bit unfair when I mentioned the things I liked/loved about you. I left a couple of important things out. So here are the other things you do that I cherish dearly.

I love the way you've taken into liking my music.
I know I have an odd taste in music, but when I get in the car and you have my favorite cd on is more than the world to me.

I love the way you sing to me.
You say you don't have a singing voice, but GOD it's just so sweet.

I love the way you understand when I tell you my two best friends are my sisters.
I know friends are important to you, but nothing compares to you trying to win over my nephew and being nice to Wilde and Lex.

I love the way you want to be different from all the rest in my life.
I know the pet names upset you and God forbid that I dare compare you to the jerks that have been part of my life. I love it when you simply want to have a place of your own in my heart/mind.

I love the way you have been changing.
Now I honestly hope it's for you, but you taking up some healthy habits make me so happy because they are important to me. You eating right, having a granola for breakfast and now going to the gym. I want you to be around for a long time and you are finally understanding my concern about your health.

I can't believe you're so perfect for me.
Why can't I have you now?

Friends, Family and You

The only thing that can decrease the void I feel is the feeling of those I consider my strength. It's hard to explain in simple words, but I can say that being with them make me feel less empty.

I thought I wouldn't know from you until Monday. To my luck, I spoke to you yesterday. I think now you understand that rain is the only way I can make my true feelings show. If I'm very upset, there would be a raging thunderstorm, but if I'm sad it's just a heavy rain. Now I have another way to make you think of me.

I spent my afternoon at a friend's house because of her birthday. It was just 5 of us. We had food, drinks, music. Everthing was there, yet to me the only thing missing was you. I got woozy around 5:30 AM and went to sleep. In the morning, I saw for the first time how I felt. In an empty room, just pillows, a comforter, Stitch and me. Nothing else.

I got home and went to sleep. I needed it. Nothing compares to sleep on my bed. I woke up and took a shower. Wilde would come pick me up any minute. We went over to Lex's. The akward silence between us was there. We're like sisters, but for the first time we can't tell each other things because we're scared of hurting the other's feelings.

The day went by talking and chatting. Midget gave me a Care Bear. I immediately remembered your reaction when I told you I wanted one. Silly goose. Wilde brought me back home. Life had placed us in the same path. The only thing we have now is you (each her own) and the only thing we can lose is you. I wonder who will be smarter and finally get to be happy.

Tonight I will go to bed and dream of all those things we planned.
I hope they come true someday.
Hope they come true soon.

Empty

Today I woke up feeling rather empty. Your essence wasn't there this morning. First time I woke up alone since seven weeks ago.

I had the strong impulse to wake you up, but I remembered you didn't want me to. I had a hard time showering without thinking of you and if you had gotten up already. I got dressed and checked if you had updated your blog. No luck.

I dragged myself to work, but I couldn't manage to cheer up. I ranted with a friend that I don't feel good. He said I needed to get laid. It's not just that, I just want you!!! I come back to my place and see you log on. I have the urge to hit you up. Of course I don't do it because I want to be strong and manage. To my luck you hit me up, and suddenly I feel that warm and cozy feeling inside. I know you're ok and that you did wake up.

I'm about to prepare for a reality check. I need to know what I want and what am I willing to do. Right now the only things I know is that I need to be strong, that I love you more than anything (including myself) and that I have this urge to hug you and never let you go.

I love you.
I miss you.
I need you.

Welcome to the real world Violetta.

What I like about you

What I like about you,
you hold me tight
Tell me I'm the only one,
wanna come over tonight.

You're whispering in my ear
Tell me all the things that I wanna to hear,
'cause that's true
That's what I like about you

What I like about you,
you keep me warm at night
Never wanna' let you go,
know you make me feel alright,

Thats very easy to answer.
I love your eyes, your nose and your lips.
I love your silly grin.
I love the way you stutter when I'm talking to you.
I love the way you hold me and make me feel safe.
I love the way you are able to let lose and play around with me.
I love the way you flirt with me.
I love the way you try to make me happy.
I love the way you try to protect me from harm's way.

I love the way you look at me.

I love the way you compliment me.

I love the way you worry about me.

I just love you.

I finally found someone

I finally found someone
That knocks me off my feet
I finally found the one
That makes me feel complete
It started over coffee
We started out as friends
It's funny how from simple things
The best things begin

This time is different
And it's all because of you
It's better than it's ever been
'Cause we can talk it though
My favouite line was
"Can I call you sometime"
It's all you had to say
To take my breath away

This is it, oh I finally found someone
Someone to share my life
I finally found the one
To be with every night
'Cause whatever I do
It's just got to be you
My life has just begun
I finally found someone

I've had a couple of boyfriends and thought they were the love of my life. I'm almost sure that at that moment they were. Until change came alonge and did the unevitable.

Right now, I'm so tangeled up with you. I loved you as my friend and you became one of my best friends. We can talk about nothing and everything at the same time. We have tons of fun together. We can be childish or serious.

You compliment me perfectly. You're my strength and my shoulder to lean on. You are my knight in shining armour. You are perfect for my life plans.

Will you ever be available?

Differences

What makes a difference when you get dressed or when you talk to someone?
Your emotional state

I'm not trying to rediscover rocket science, I'm trying to prove a point. I've been in such a good mood that my hair curls nicely and I have been able to live with it. I've been smiling a lot more and have been more open to the unexpected lately.

Yes , it's very true I'm happy. I have never felt like this before. It's so odd and unexpected. Who would have thought that I would be reacting like a teenager and falling head over heels.

I should blame and curse you; but how could I, if all you have simply done is make me happy.

Irony

How can something so wrong feel so right? How can I feel comfortable with myself when I know I'm an intruder in a relationship?

It's so ironic, because I didn't want to be in this kind of situation. I've scolded my sister because she is in one too.

I should feel ashamed of myself and instead I feel so proud. I'm finally letting go and being happy. If I get hurt along the way, well I guess it's part of living.

Today, I love you and that's all that matters.