Friday, July 28, 2006

From the bottom of my heart

I never thought I would need to hear someone in order to be calm, much less need to be held to feel safe. Perhaps those where ill efforts to prove myself independent or maybe just part of a habit of being alone.

Would you believe me that there was a time when I confused you with some other guy named like you. You didn't represent anything in my life, what difference did it make. I let go of those friends for a while; basically because I entered the State U, alone.

When I see you again, you had changed so much. Or perhaps it was the first time that I was really focusing on you. To my disgrace, I was trying to save my relationship with my high school boyfriend. I let my curiosity go because I was trying to save something that had died a while ago.

I get lost again, now in the business world. Suddenly, my sister tells me she met this cute guy with the knack of speaking at a convention. I immediately knew it was you. Yet, instead of tagging along with my sister, I stay home. Second chance life gives me and I play the pride game.I can't believe that if I had a thing for you, I didn't do anything to try and get close to you.

One day, at the new place I had started working, I grab the door that lead towards training room. Someone opened the door at the same time I did. It was you. You were the one that recognized me, it was the first time that we hugged. At the moment, I was hiding from my high school exboyfriend and I didn't pay much attention. That and the fact that there was a guy in training room that had caught my eye. I remember you would constantly flirt with me. You always made me nervous. You even asked me out a couple of times, but I was dating the guy from my training room.

During those group dates that we loved to have during training, you called me bitch. I don't even remember why. I was SO upset. You were also mad that day, I don't know why. Yet I never thought that you would actually try to convince me to forgive you. I remember that the people that were with us during the incident were just looking towards where we were. I eventually forgave you. After that, we got closer as friends, we began flirting even more.

Many have come and gone from our love lives; yet analyzing the situation, we have always been there one for another. Why didn't we notice before? Why are we so proud? Perhaps it wasn't the right moment.

After all this time, I've realized that you are the most important person in my life. That even though you are not my moon or sun (sorry love, those places are taken), you are the energy that I need to keep going. Every moment that I spend with you is as if time had stopped. Nothing can hurt me when I'm with you, at least that's how I feel.

Sure, we love to make each other mad. We enjoy making the other jealous. We can be very civilized adults, but we are close to the kid inside us. It amazes me that we have very similar tastes and pet peeves and we still have very difined personalities. The artist and the politician.

I miss you since the moment I last see or hear you. You are the compliment that makes me feel 100% complete. It's true, I've survived years without you.Now that I have you, I realize what I've been missing. I notice the person I am with you and the one I've always been. I love the way you get protective about my skills; as if they were your responsability. I've seen you try to become my mentor and me stubbornly not let you. Yet you are my bigget support, and even if I get mad, I take the professional advice you give me. That's our weak spot, our professional life. When I miss you, I miss my partner in crime, the shoulder I can lean on, my moral support, my best friend and my love. I miss you like a spoiled brat once a month.

I love the way you worry about me, and how it upsets you that I can't let myself go and simply do the typical girly things. You have been slowly trying to get me to lose a bit of grip on the control thing so you can handle things. You know I'll end up letting you guide this. Give me time to get used to it.

When you're not around, I'm missing the person that challenges me to be more creative, that makes me even more sensitive and even more objective. I'm still me, but you help me take my skills even further.

Some say its better late than never. Even though it took me years to notice that I've had the love of my life right in front of me, I thank Heaven I finally realized what was in front of me. I'm scared of losing you or driving you away, yet I know that if us is something that has to happen it will. I simply want to enjoy the moments I get to spend with you. Whether it be face to face, over the phone or online. The more, the better.

I love you, with all my heart . . . or what's left of it.

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