Tuesday, May 02, 2006

Lonely

It's funny, how you can actually be surrounded by dozens of people and feel completely alone. It's been a while since I've had that feeling. The emptiness, feeling hollow inside. It amazes me that this feeling has been growing at a speeding rate.

I think it began two weeks ago. I don't remember exactly. The feeling that I don't belong here anymore; like an extra in a bad movie. When I talk about here, I mean HTC. I dread swiping my badge every morning and bless the minutes before I leave. I grow more anxious as the days go by.

I've tried to keep things low key and impersonal. Honestly I've failed. I see my so called friends shunning me from things. Apparently they can now tell if I'm in the mood for something, and since they can read my eyes they know when I don't want to go out. Call me paranoid. I'd rather be safe than sorry. I feel I can't trust anyone anymore. I'm expecting someone to stab me in the back or worse, feel offended by something I said.

I remember clearly that someone close declared himself a user. He sticks around when someone is useful to him, then disappears when he has taken what he needed. Perhaps that is my situation, I've served my purpose and my time is up.

Should I start partyhopping and drinking until I lose conciousness like they do whenever they can. Shall I start flirting like crazy again and make out with the first guy I see. I would be very inconsistent. Afterall, I loathe girls that do that.

I don't think so. Sorry, that isn't me.

2 comments:

Alexander Strauffon said...

I really hope you never get drowned in that sea of hipocrisy and shit. People at HTC only care about themselves; maybe we, the ones who still have a piece of true soul, with emotiveness on our thoughts and even on our skin, represent a more repressed minority than those poor guys fighting for their rights on the other side of -The Border-.

Let them be. The "HTC Way of Life" is also their personal gallows. Waiting for them, any second. Now we can proudly stand aside from them and say: "I'm different. I'm the one who thinks, feels, and cares".

Alyssey said...

It's hard... when we feel like we don't fit anymore...it's difficult to see our own friends go their own way... it has happened to me too, and, even if our cases are probably very different (mostly because of the era in which each of our cases happened) I sort of know how you feel...
sort of...because each of us is different and I don't really know how you feel...