I'm scared. These are the moments I don't like. I am so full of insecurities right now. I know one thing right now. I love him. I love him very much. I can confidently say that this is the person I've been waiting for all my life.
I think the timing was perfect, although the circumstances were not. I can blame it on him, because if he had not rushed things, the situation would be different. Yes honey, you let others rush you into things you were not sure of.
I love the way I can let go when I'm with him. I can be myself and not worry, and since he's known me for so long there is no real purpose of trying to impress him. I feel that when we are together, he lets go. He stops pretending to be the top notch manager he wants to become or the extreme professional he is. He simply is a big kid with raging hormones. Being checked out every 3 minutes is NOT normal.
As a boyfriend, he's wonderful. He's caring, understanding, supportive. As a friend, he is the best. He's funny, protective and always up for a challenge. As a lover, well let's just say he keeps up with me. Please no details, enough said.
All of this is what I think and feel. There are times when I feel very secure about what we have. Then there are moments when he seems so unsure that a bolt of insecurity hits me. I don't know what he wants, and I must say it looks like he doesn't either. Yes he does, he just doesn't know where to start.
Here is where I confess of what I'm scared of. I'm scared that even though he says he loves me (and I believe him), he doesn't even want to try to get out of the situation he's in simply because he doesn't want to start over again. I'm scared that even though he says I make him happy (and I try my best to my habilities) , he will give in to emotional blackmail and tricky attempts to get him back. I'm scared that he will place a price tag on his welbeing and it's a price I can't afford.
I'm scared that he's not the leader he claims to be.
PS: I love you J.